Why partners don't understand each other and relationships don't work out

Everyone knows: understanding another comes from the desire to understand, just as “faith comes from hearing.”

Therefore, the motive for understanding is much more clearly expressed when the relationship is strong and desired by both partners.

Accordingly, the motive is weaker and worse when the relationship is already burdened with mutual claims, even justified ones, grievances and differences in worldviews, plans and goal setting.

When everyone already thinks in terms of “I” instead of “we,” this is very indicative, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

Why do they understand?

From this it is clear that the “younger”, “newer” the relationship in an established couple (all other things being equal – we say typically, since each specific couple has its own factors of influence and nuances of the relationship), the fewer claims there are to each other and the more understanding there is between the partners.

The ideal relationship from the point of view of development and duration with subsequent strengthening - in such a situation are (no, not platonic - the most restless and, in principle, desired by women of a beautiful Balzac age), but complex or "alternating" closeness and subsequent separation, then closeness again and again - separation.

We always offer non-trivial things and specific recommendations, although we do not expect them to be fully understood by people who are accustomed to thinking in a stereotypical way and therefore repeat “common” mistakes.

Option to strengthen relations

So, closeness as a determining element for relationships is necessary. And the sooner – the better. Then people live separately, communicating every day for many hours remotely, including at night.

This is also a way to get to know each other. In remote communication, you can even argue and make up. This period is not a "cooling plateau" at all, rather the opposite - it is great for busy people and those who live in different cities.

In this case, forced separation is only beneficial. And the situation differs from "platonic" relationships. The main thing is that such a "personal connection" must (preferably) be regularly warmed up with personal and face-to-face hugs. Then the relationship only gets stronger.

The background is clear: the characteristic features of different people are their individual natural-constitutional features. In a conditional separation, negative feelings caused by misunderstanding "cool down" and, on the contrary, positive feelings "bloom" brighter, leading to the indispensability of the partner.

This is a very strong connection - when people are sure that they have found the best representative of the opposite sex, they begin to dream about the future, and minor obstacles are not noticed or are considered insignificant.

In such relationships, mutual understanding is not violated, it is strengthened, and these are the strongest relationships (at this stage), which are very difficult to subject to actual betrayal. Since neither partner wants to cheat.

It should also be noted that a person's character does not change after the formation of the foundations at the age of approximately 25. Except for cases of medical mental disorder - various degrees of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc.

However, with an established character, behavior can be changed situationally. A conditionally medically healthy person, under the influence of life experience, can slow down their emotional impulses and change their behavior - adapt to their partner.

The case when people around and relatives are convinced that their loved one “behaves strangely and unpredictably”, “has gone crazy”, “has become different”, “has changed”, etc. In fact, the relative is in a state of love and does not want to lose the feeling of happiness from the relationship with the partner.

Why don't they understand?

But such situational behavior, although it can stretch out over several months or a longer period of time, is not characteristic of the personality. And sooner or later it changes.

What quarrels with a loved one, misunderstandings and, in general, differences in plans, perception of important values, and common aspirations help greatly. Fundamentally, only that which corresponds to character and desires brings pleasure throughout life. Such relationships in a couple are the most long-lasting.

So, misunderstandings increase in all actively communicating couples without exception. Over time. And under the influence of quarrels and circumstances. A cumulative effect occurs.

Including from previously unresolved contradictions (unprocessed gestalt). Then partners can lose understanding of each other so much that under the influence of emotions and circumstances, and sometimes due to the influence of other people and relatives, they become enemies.

A good way to get out of a relationship

When divergence and “distancing” are deemed necessary – usually after many attempts to maintain the relationship through attempts to understand and forgive – the individual is faced with the question of method and means.

How to get out of a relationship that has become (subjectively perceived) "toxic" with minimal psychological damage. In reality, there are no toxic relationships - this is a subjective coloring and a convenient cliché of narrow-minded "psychologists". There are simply "relationships" and adequate or not.

So, according to the situation, it is possible to ignore the other using tools of emotional violence and intentionally increase the distance through inaction in order to protect personal boundaries.

The second option of mental maturity is quite good, but not everyone is capable of implementing it. Distancing and cooling in the frequency of contacts does not allow to mock oneself and leads to bullying the partner.

This is the best and safest way to get out of a close relationship. For example, yesterday you talked 3 hours a day, "tomorrow" 1.5 hours, and a month later, look, and the desire to communicate has completely disappeared.

The famous psychiatrist M.E. Litvak is convinced that "there is no need to prove anything to others when you live for yourself. A person focused on his plans and tasks does not care about those who are mistaken, if their opinion does not violate his personal boundaries." Richard Feynman said it even better: "You are not obliged to justify the expectations of others...".

But there is an important point here that is sometimes missed. Namely, there are two partners. Accordingly, the reactions of the other may not always correspond to the wishes of the first. How the other partner will manifest himself is, in principle, completely unpredictable, and depends on his characteristic and individual features.

Some will try to act obsessively despite being ignored, some will find a replacement, some will channel their emotions into wine, sports, literary activity (this is how masterpieces in the field of dramatic literature appear), find a second or third job, and some will take revenge...

The habit of "proving" is inherent to individuals with low self-esteem. Partially accusing others of stupidity, a person asserts himself. In an argument, he does not control his emotions, because he needs "victory" without choosing the means. These are also emotions.

Politeness is not weakness

There is a popular mistake to mistake politeness for weakness. As a rule, such a person can be seen immediately - you just need to carefully observe his reactions in communication for at least a couple of weeks (it is clear that many would like to "see through" in a minute).

At the beginning of cooperation, such a person treats all partners well. Partners think that he is “weak” or “experiencing difficulties, and therefore dependent”, “led by nature” (and so on – there are many options), “easy to subjugate” or “force”.

But in fact there are no critical difficulties. And then, when such a person analyzes the situation and the attitude towards him, then he acts reciprocally. Sometimes this surprises those around him, although everything is logical: they simply made a mistake in their subjective assessments, rushed, did not bother to study his character better.

Wait for an answer

But the reactions of the other person should not be underestimated. Because they will happen, they cannot not happen. It is only desirable that they happen in some relatively safe channel for the partner.

In a relatively identical situation, the question is only between Othello's reaction and Laevsky's reaction. Of course, there can be many halftones, especially among creative people. Someone will write a history of relationships and put it on display.

Bad? Depending on how you look at it: yes and no. Yes – because the partner doesn’t need it and won’t like it, but no one asks him about it because of the loss of authority. No – because for the psyche of the second partner, this is a saving and quick way out of the situation. That is – the answer.

The simplest ways of sorting things out – “man talk”, “nose at half past eight” and other options – are not always suitable in relationships between a man and a woman.

But there will be a response-reaction from another, this is one of the methods of self-defense of the psyche - to do and show - "this is not allowed"; you need to calmly perceive the "response". In a conditionally normal, healthy person, such a reaction-outburst (no matter how harsh and cruel it may be) will not be followed by anything else.

He simply has to "let off steam" and thus, having rethought the experience, forget about its main causes. But a person with "difficulties" will certainly have an "idée fixe", he will write and call another person at work, devalue, and so on.

That is, continue to frown for a long time, but "suck a lemon without sugar" and "gnaw a cactus." If you have exactly such a partner - let him go quickly; it is happiness and freedom that the relationship is over.

Earlier we wrote about why women like to spread rumors.