What's better - to do and regret, or not to do and regret

We evaluate the correctness of decisions after some time.

And in the moment we evaluate spontaneously, subjectively. Evaluation always depends on the goals, characteristics of the person and the specific situation.

Because you can always regret even in a passive state, that is, without doing something.

The risks of both scenarios are associated with the danger of making the wrong choice or regretting a missed opportunity, but the risks are not the same for women and men – in accordance with their gender roles, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

Features of typical roles

Typically, a man is positioned as a person of action, while a woman's constitution is oriented towards an outside offer and a decision on it. A comfortable position. But not criminal.

All subsequent arguments confirm her conditional wisdom: “you wanted it yourself,” “you suggested it yourself,” “it’s not my fault – he came himself” (the last from the monologue of actress Svetlana Svetlichnaya in the film “The Diamond Arm,” directed by Leonid Gaidai).

It is convenient to accept or not to accept the offer, to be in a winning role. In a winning role it is better to judge.

This attitude is found in managers, including senior managers, in justifying their roles and actions. When the manager "I make the decision." But this should not be taken literally, although the statement is true in the literal sense.

But there is a hidden, illuminating meaning. "I am presented with several reasonable options, and I accept one of them." Compare this with the typical female position, and you will find much in common.

The man acts, the woman directs, the man is the head, the woman is the neck, the battalion commander is the "father", the sergeant is the "mother" (monologue of the colonel from the film "The Thin Red Line", directed by Terrence Malick, USA)

Can we assume from this that a woman is typically a hidden leader in relationships? Strive for power over a man, a dependency attitude? Yes and no.

But it is obvious that she strives for this. Expressing leadership qualities or, camouflaging, implying them in the manner of the proverb "the night cuckoo will outcry the day (day) cuckoo". This is true, even if people do not admit it to others.

Thus, using the characteristics of typical roles, one can use conditional examples to explain different behavioral reactions regarding actions or their expectations, or inactions.

Deviations from typical roles

Deviations, or in professional language - deviations from the typical roles of women and men, subordinates and leaders, are not a rare occurrence.

Leadership qualities can be inherent in character or acquired; and sometimes a combination of phenomena. Accordingly, a person, regardless of gender, with leadership qualities in character corresponds to a specific psychological type and is noticeable from childhood.

Different scientific schools distinguish between 7 and 13 psychotypes with stable (basic) properties. They are recognized as models of human behavior in everyday situations.

The following components of psychotypes are important for the determination:

• “Personality pattern” is a set of all personality traits that are expressed to the same degree.
• Accentuation is a quality that manifests itself in moments of stress and danger.
• Psychopathy is a character pathology when a character trait is expressed so much that it interferes with the life of the person and the people around him.

Each person has different elements, but experts define a psychotype based on systematic patterns of behavior, stable character traits, and emotional manifestations.

With this knowledge, it is not surprising when a woman who has been raising children from different marriages for many years has accumulated leadership qualities of character, is super active and has a competence to act better than some men.

Such a person is subject to fears - like everyone else, but can commit acts that are unexpected for typical representatives of the gender.

And vice versa, a conditionally infantile man, who has been under the influence of a leading mother (or parents) for a long time, despite his masculine forms, finds it difficult to make independent decisions.

Because he has habits ingrained by experience and does not take initiative – this is a conventional type of secretary who has become a good analyst, but is passive in actions; such a person will certainly doubt, “weigh up”, “consult” and… lose the time needed for action.

These are, in brief, the reasons why people choose roles – action (active) or inaction (passive). This is dictated by life itself.

To pity or not to pity

An active nature, as a rule, has no time to regret, "sob" or worry for a long time about what has been done. What's done is done.

Moreover, this type really has no time - the decision and action taken is followed by a new, more relevant one. Everything is moving, life is everywhere.

Their typical phrase regarding erroneous actions or unfulfilled expectations is "it was a mistake." And that's it. These are conventional followers of the universal wisdom of King Solomon "everything will pass, and this too will pass."

Conditionally passive personalities are inclined to self-analysis, memories and experiences - re-evaluation of what has been done. They are more inclined to doubt everything and typically. For example, the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates, who left the memories attributed to him with the famous phrase "I know only that I know nothing."

Moreover, a person typically always finds arguments in favor of decisions already made (or not made). The simplest of them is “there was no other way out”, that’s how the circumstances turned out. While there are almost always alternative ways out and even a great variety of them.

But the mental organization of Homo sapiens is arranged in such a way that consciousness protects a person – takes him to a comfort zone from negative thoughts. Thus, a person justifies himself in almost all cases in accordance with the maxim “the path of each is straight”.

In any case, both directions – activity and passivity are neither bad nor good, but are worth each other. And in both directions under consideration there is something to learn, as well as what is called "shortcomings". Approximately as medical workers say: medicine in a huge dose is also poison.

What matters is attitude and personal philosophy

Therefore, it is pointless to answer the question of what to do and how to act: act or wait, regret what was done or not – with one conclusion. Much depends on the attitude of a specific person to the chosen role, his status, character, to those who participated in certain decisions.

However, people are not deprived of the ability to change their personal attitude to events, decisions and other people. That is, to adapt to circumstances. Which is what happens almost everywhere.

Adaptation skills, among other things, are a very important competence in the socialization of people, reducing the risk of suicidal and destructive behavior. Of course, any rules are compensated by exceptions to them.

Nevertheless, it is appropriate to consider three (out of many possible) proven paths that do not violate the quality of life and do not take a person out of the zone of conditional emotional comfort.

One way is expressed in the books of the Bible - "it will be as it will be". With this approach, having raised it to a daily principle, the danger of regret about what has been done and worry about what has not been done is reduced. That is, the principle is universal and suits both active and conditionally passive individuals. From this it is clear - there is no point in regretting.

Another way is that inaction can also be considered as an action. That is, by not doing something, you have not lost anything, therefore, you have saved something. If not for yourself, then for future generations.

And the main thing that can be saved this way is time spent on something that is essentially unnecessary. True, everything is determined by time – even assessments of situations and people (that’s where we started).

Who is worth what is shown not by declarations, and not even by children - who develop their own preferences, demands and problems as they grow up - but by the years they have lived. Therefore, the conclusion is the same - why regret?

And the third (of many) way is connected with the development and acquisition of a personal philosophy. Doing what you want and not doing what is contrary or intuitively incomprehensible, controversial, rejected.

It is with this approach that a person gradually develops and perfects his own unique style in detail, that is, he “accepts” himself – with all his advantages and disadvantages – as a being living here and now and even divine – from the point of view of “God tolerates me.”

And with this approach, regardless of who thinks about you and what, there is absolutely nothing to regret, because according to the theory of providence, you cannot live otherwise.

Therefore, you can treat these philosophical questions in any way you like, the main thing is to focus your attitude on improving yourself, and not on changing, evaluating others and trying to influence them. "Whatever you do, you cannot please everyone at once" (D. Carnegie).

For everyone is subject to influence exactly as much as they want and allow it, as much as it seems convenient and advantageous. That is why it is desirable to be interested in other people, their experience, personal philosophy, and other outstanding qualities. The world, as a rule, responds in kind.

If you are only interested in those who are convenient and/or useful to you, who give or can give something practical, then you will act in conjunction with them - both achieving goals and making mistakes.

If you take a deeper interest in others - not from a consumer point of view, but try to understand their motives, actions, relationships - you will see many new and interesting things that will change you too - for the common good.

The main thing is a broad worldview, never say "never", "impossible", and look beyond the horizons of the visible. And from this position - you want new growth, "learn and learn" and do not have to regret anything that has been done.

Previously, we talked about how to get rid of depressing thoughts before bed using a simple but effective method.