Psychologists identify a constructive function in quarrels.
This is exactly the case when a good quarrel is the foundation of a strong family.
The spouses splash out accumulated irritation, adrenaline, finally solve the pressing issue, work out a solution. This is an opportunity to listen to each other, the relationship moves to a new level.
What is important here is not the quarrels themselves, but the frequency of conflicts, how they occur and who is the instigator.
If quarrels occur no more than once every two weeks, do not escalate to shouting, insults and assault, and each of the spouses periodically acts as the instigator, then such quarrels are constructive. They are useful for relationships and allow you to relieve accumulated irritation.
When quarrels occur much more often, they already have a destructive character for the marriage. And if one of the spouses is always the instigator, then, most likely, he is a manipulator, a steroid or a tyrant, whose influence must be eliminated.
Fighting during an argument, throwing things, breaking dishes indicates personality and behavioral disorders; consultation with a family psychologist or psychotherapist is recommended.
What to do
To understand what kind of quarrel it is (constructive or destructive), you need to understand the reasons.
It's one thing when spouses disagree on how to spend a weekend, and quite another when there is a suspicion of infidelity.
Most often, quarrels arise because of everyday life, money, children, parents or other relatives, work, hobbies, habits, character.
Less often, people quarrel over beliefs, views, lifestyle, struggle for leadership, intimate disharmony or betrayal. The reason for the quarrel determines whether the conflict will resolve itself or will continue indefinitely until the marriage falls apart.
Psychologists advise to adhere to the following tactics:
1. Resolving the conflict on the same day. Don't let your irritation accumulate. If disagreements arise, they need to be discussed immediately, without putting it off for later.
2. One problem – one solution. Don’t bring up past grievances or bring up other sore points. Otherwise, a small quarrel can easily turn into a huge scandal.
3. Clarify relations only with those parties that they concern. If a quarrel occurred only between spouses, then it is not worth involving children, parents, other relatives, friends or strangers in it. An exception for a psychologist, because the specialist's task is not to participate in a quarrel, but to understand the reasons and help.
4. Don't give vent to anger. Try to conduct the dialogue calmly, a slight raise of the voice is allowed to splash out irritation, but in no case should you break out into shouting.
5. Insults, emphasizing the opponent's physical shortcomings, and various attacks on children and relatives are prohibited. If one of the spouses allows themselves to do something like this, then this indicates that the person's moral values are not sufficiently formed and is a reason to think about further communication with him. In any case, the conversation should be stopped immediately.
6. If one of the parties understands that they are wrong, it is necessary to admit it and even apologize. This speaks of openness and trust, and shows a desire to maintain the relationship. But if the other party is to blame for the conflict, then in no case should you make such concessions, it is important to maintain dignity and not humiliate yourself.
All of the above tips only work if the couple is interested in saving the marriage.
If only one side is committed to a peaceful resolution of the conflict, over time it will simply not be able to withstand such indifference, and the relationship will finally deteriorate.
