How to Reconnect with Old Friends

Reconnecting with old friends is as difficult as starting a new relationship.

Since a person is an emotional being, one of the important reasons and conditional barriers are emotions with resentment towards unfulfilled expectations.

These expectations are always there as a basis for trusting communication. A person understands that finding a like-minded person is not easy, and a person who understands "with half a word" is even more difficult.

Of course, it is difficult to achieve complete understanding in everything at the same time, but it is quite possible to get closer to it, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

What is needed?

Time and how deeply you hurt each other are important for restoring a relationship. One way or another, you will have to explain your behavior that caused the quarrel or reaction to the actions of another. In order to explain something, you need to understand yourself - what happened and why.

Of course, in every quarrel there are two (or more) to blame, if there were objects of influence on your relationship from the outside. That is why time is useful. “Everything” is not forgotten at once, and almost everyone reflects on the reasons for the behavior of the other.

This is useful: it helps to understand. Against the background of this understanding, a rethinking of both one's own actions and reactions to the actions of another, a partner, a loved one arises.

The main thing that the arch needs to understand and admit is that the other person had reasons for the act. They always exist and everyone has them. Admit it, and it will immediately become easier. This is how your own critical thinking begins to work.

Use of time

In this matter - while time passes - it is important not to aggravate the situation. It is better to just leave the person alone, let him go. And especially not to impose yourself, not to offer "friendship", not to "monitor" his news on social networks.

This is pointless, because there is only one way to restore relationships, reputation, trust (all to varying degrees and depending on the situation) or the loyalty of another after a scandal: forgive and forget.

There is no need to constantly “gnaw on a cactus” or “chew on a lemon”; this will only excite you, and it is pointless – for a promising relationship.

What helps

Grace helps. Unconditional compassionate wisdom. A simple and clear word, at its core is always forgiveness of another and understanding of one's own imperfect nature. You may not demonstrate your repentance to the public in any form, but you need to understand this for yourself. This opens the way to new relationships.

If you do not forgive, recognizing your own imperfection, grievances can manifest in memory and therefore remain. However, mature people are able to forgive, forget and move on.

"It is not the one who has seen much who will understand, but the one who has lost much. It is not the one who has not offended who will forgive, but the one who has forgiven much" - these lines are attributed to the greatest sage Omar Khayyam.

Memory property

It is not the original situation itself that comes up in your memory, but your previous recollection of it. And then it is not so painful. The previous intensity of experiences has been smoothed out due to the neural properties of the brain, they have changed and received (during a long quarrel) new and not always rosy impressions.

If you don't want to keep a valuable episode in your memory, it would probably be a good idea not to remember it. Or remember it as seldom as possible. So that you'll forget.

But the problem is that the more you forbid yourself to remember, the more you remember. It is much better to change your attitude. The best thing is to convince yourself: "this is so." Now we will live with this, and try not to repeat the same stupidities of the past.

Memory of valuable episodes

However, in contrast to well-known opinions about the necessity and benefit of substitute relationships (as they say - to cover up old negative emotions with new impressions), let us say clearly: it does not work.

Because these advisers use only logic. In new relationships or having forgotten a former friendship, you get really fresh emotions, but not the ideal. The ideal probably does not exist. But there are those people who have touched you in some way. And we will always remember them.

The effect has been described many times in literature, for example by Ivan Alexandrovich Goncharov in Oblomov.

Olga Ilyinskaya, after an unsuccessful, emotionally charged relationship with Ilya Ilyich (Oblomov), married Andrei Stolz, an educated, intelligent, active, energetic and enterprising man, and Oblomov joined forces with Agafya Pshenitsyna.

But the stable and, one must assume, happy life of Olga and Stolz does not deceive the reader. Olga recalls…

There is no need to remember Oblomov, because in his new marriage he suddenly died of a stroke at the age of 35... This is just an illustration. But "he who has eyes to see, let him see."

Unusual unpredictable consequences

Rethinking the situation in time, you understand that you “didn’t see” many features or perceived them “inaccurately”, the way you wanted, unlike reality, about which the good soldier Josef Schweik said that “it is sometimes deceptive.”

During a quarrel, even a long one, a conditionally synergistic effect occurs in two directions.

Firstly, you do not achieve the results you expected. This is generally a property of human nature - to wish, but not to receive exactly what you expected. That is why they talk about otherworldly forces, providence, divine providence, and so on. Man does not control this world. Well, or at least sometimes.

Secondly, the consequences of your actions that led to a cooling of relations and a quarrel are reflected not directly, but indirectly.

Let's say you are absolutely healthy and (especially relevant at the initial stage after the relationship ended) "crossed yourself" - another relationship ended: "Oh, how good it all ended, it could have been much worse." Everyone goes through this.

And the word "next" is important here. If you look at your history honestly, you will see how many of them there have already been and with approximately the same result. Therefore, perhaps the problem is not in your friend, but in you. Or at least in both of you.

But the whole "thing" is that the consequences of a breakup are sure to affect - indirectly - both you and those around you. If these are children - them. If relatives - too. The same applies to business. If I indirectly illustrate what I have said with a sports example, it will turn out something like this.

You got into a fight and got hit directly (from the front, frontally) in the chest. At first, you just felt unbearable pain. Then the doctors diagnosed a crack in the rib or, for example, in the collarbone.

But by a strange coincidence, the crack is not in the front, but in the back. That is, you got a cumulative effect according to the law of physics - the rib cracked from the impact, from air pressure or some other factors that even specialists cannot explain.

But in sports medicine and traumatology - a fairly common case. Approximately the same thing happens during a serious quarrel with a friend or loved one. The only joy is that all this is treatable if you take the necessary steps.

What not to do

Give up the victim position. It won't help. One of the options when it's hard is to overcome yourself, endure the most difficult moment, go to bed, stop thinking.

When it seems that this is it, the end. Literally in a few weeks, a second wind opens up. This works in all areas and always. In sports, a second wind opens up.

In personal relationships, patience is no less important. Wait. Time will pass and everything will be restored. If both sides want it. To do this, at least you need to understand the importance of each other in your life and respect the choice of the one with whom you are in a quarrel.

Practical steps

Situations when once close people separate “like ships at sea” and simply dream of living independently of each other are extremely rare. At first, yes – while the emotions are fresh. But they subside – this is the “healing” property of time. Nevertheless, someone must take the first step towards each other.

The most optimal situation is connected with chance. For example, you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, and an old friend “suddenly” appears and helps resolve it.

The "optimality" here is that no one asked for it or notified him. This is chance, or intuition. Almost everyone encounters such situations in life. But here the personality has a special meaning - for the prospects of the relationship.

What kind of person is this, what kind of friend is he? If you still have warm feelings for him despite everything, you accept him and start all over again. If you are not interested in him, then the relationship simply switches to friendly mode. Here it is important to look at "who needs what".

If the opportunity does not present itself, and you cannot forget the person, you must take the first step towards him. Without this, nothing will happen.

Gurus of various qualities and competencies, numerous personal growth coaches, and even professional psychologists will not agree with this approach; that is why we offer it.

There is no point in repeating the same stupidity, replicated by others, in different phrases. "Experts" say in one voice - "forget", call it a "mistake" and start a new life. In their own way, they are right.

But they don't take into account what is called heartfelt attraction to another. If it didn't exist, then everything would be easier for everyone.

But the difference of this world is that there is no face exactly like your friend, no such character traits, and even more so there is no second such nature in style and behavioral manifestations. This originality is preserved in the memory of a person (about another).

But if, on the contrary, something not very good happened, and you want to experience the episode less acutely, it makes sense to share the memory, to talk about it.

Thus modify the neural group that is associated with this episode, and it gradually changes, becomes different. You feel relief. In the course of things, the sharpness of emotions goes away.

And when this happens, you can talk about restoring the relationship, just by saying hello to each other, or choosing any excuse to at least say something. If this were not so, the concept of "friendship" would be a one-time phenomenon.

The only problem is that many “once friends” have done things to you that are hard for them to forget, and in order not to look bad in your eyes (as they think), they prefer to be in a neutral or hostile relationship rather than simply make peace and admit their unworthiness.

A true friend who understands your irreplaceable value to him will never reproach or "remember". Therefore, you need to act. They don't even shoot for this.

Earlier we talked about how a woman can understand that a man is starting a midlife crisis.