How to Get Rid of Anxious Attachment: What to Do to Work Through It in a Relationship

Since childhood, we learn to build relationships with the world around us, with loved ones, with ourselves. A person needs a person, so we inevitably interact with society. It is important to understand what drives us in such moments.

All existing types of relationships are divided into three main models. There are secure, avoidant and anxious attachment types, which dictate both scenarios and rules of behavior, and it is not easy to get rid of them.

Today we will talk about people who are guided by fears and anxieties in relationships with psychologist and candidate of philosophical sciences Oleg Gadetsky .

What is anxious attachment style

If you are terrified of losing your partner, even if the relationship is far from ideal, then it is time to think about how to work through the anxiously persistent attachment type. Depending on the circumstances, this behavior pattern can manifest itself in different ways.

People with an anxious-avoidant type prefer not to enter into romantic relationships at all, so as not to disappoint or be disappointed.

The anxious-involved state is characterized by an obsessive desire to achieve stable closeness in a short time.

Already on the first dates such a person begins to demonstrate possessive feelings and jealousy. Over time, demanding attitudes only worsen.

To have a clear idea of how to overcome an anxious attachment style in a relationship, you need to understand the reasons for its appearance. This style, like others, is formed in childhood. A child has basic needs, the need for clear boundaries and rules is one of them.

An anxious personality type is determined if:

• parents behave inconsistently and unpredictably;
• often change their minds;
• they introduce rules and do not follow them themselves;
• reward and punish without any apparent pattern;
• An adult gives different reactions to the same actions.

The child has no confidence in the future, it is unknown what will happen tomorrow, in an hour, in the next minute. At any moment he can lose something important as a punishment or, on the contrary, a serious offense will be ignored. Such behavior of the older generation provokes irresponsibility in children.

It is difficult for a child without a clear coordinate system to stop being anxious, just as it is difficult to get rid of the child-parent type of attachment. It soon becomes clear that any prohibition from elders can be overcome if you ask, cry, quarrel, demand, persuade long enough. The methods may be different, the main thing is to get a result at any cost.

Naturally, such a model is reinforced in behavior. We get teenagers who prefer to be the center of attention, aggressively insist on their opinions, and treat others like consumers. They grow up into adults who “smother” their chosen one with their love and demands, are unable to form cause-and-effect relationships, and easily shift responsibility for their feelings and experiences to others: “I feel bad because of you,” “Look what you did to me,” etc.

How to Know if You Are an Anxious Attachment Type

The first step in any therapy is to recognize the problem and understand how to fix the anxious attachment pattern. A painful, even toxic relationship pattern can be corrected, the main thing is to recognize the unhealthy dependence and think about the reasons.

You are a person with an anxious relationship type if:

• strive to completely capture the attention and time of your chosen one;
• you are suspicious of your partner, constantly expecting a trick or even betrayal;
• you are sensitive to your partner’s personal boundaries, secrets, hobbies, and other interests;
• you are jealous of your loved one towards friends, colleagues, former romantic interests;
• you feel physically ill if the couple spends time away from you;
• you easily enter into romantic relationships, but they do not last long;
• You experience any separation as a tragedy.

Total distrust of a partner and a panic fear of being abandoned are not the most solid foundation for a long-term relationship. No matter how hard you try, you will have to change the anxious attachment type, since its representatives consider a breakup almost equivalent to death, and react sharply to the threat of ending a relationship.

Such a desire for closeness may flatter the chosen one's vanity for some time, but over time it begins to burden and irritate. It is pleasant to be the "light in the window", but not everyone is ready to take on such responsibility.

How to Work Through Anxious Attachment

Increased anxiety destroys any relationship. Pay attention to the following symptoms:

• you are constantly afraid of being abandoned;
• require the couple to be in touch 24/7;
• constantly talk about your love and plans with your partner and others;
• Be vigilant about what others think of you;
• experience bouts of jealousy without reason;
• you suffer without support and approval.

These "bells" indicate a low level of self-esteem. You can work through the anxious type of attachment on your own, overcome both the causes and consequences of self-doubt. It will take time, a desire to change the situation, support from loved ones and help from a psychologist. Step by step, you will gain confidence and learn to build harmonious relationships. You need to start with self-love.

To work through the anxious attachment type, it is necessary to level out the emotional background. Unsettled personal life, lack of self-confidence, lack of support from loved ones, difficulties at work - all this throws you out of emotional balance. In a state of stress, it is difficult to control yourself, make thoughtful rational decisions, remain calm, show wisdom and love for your neighbor.

Outbursts of anger, irritation, apathy or depression are not a manifestation of a bad character, but a signal that your body sends you. Take a break, leave immediate issues, postpone important decisions and just get yourself in order.

First of all, you need to rest. It's time to divide the area of responsibility, delegate some powers to loved ones or colleagues, stop worrying about things that you cannot change. Your emotions are a pendulum, the more you swing them, the greater the amplitude and the more serious the consequences. In especially difficult cases, you need the help of a psychologist who will help you find balance and harmony, tell you how to eliminate the manifestations of an anxious type of attachment in relationships. Determine for yourself what the roots of your anxiety are: mistrust of a loved one, negative past experience, lack of tenderness and affection, attention deficit? Not immediately, but step by step, the situation can be corrected and let go.

Inner dignity protects against toxic, painful relationships. To achieve this, you need to form a strong spiritual and value foundation so that all achievements do not collapse like a house of cards, but become the basis for a happy life.

This is not an easy task, given the innate temperament and character traits, acquired negative scenarios and environment.

Earlier we wrote about the 5 phrases that manipulators use.