If we look at the origins of history, family unions were not formed out of love and often not by the partners’ own will.
Today we freely choose a partner, but this is not a guarantee of “happiness” and healthy stable relationships. Why does this happen?
Our “free” choice of partner is actually predetermined by our unconscious, says Kristina Mizernaya .
And a person’s unconscious is formed by childhood experiences, which are often accompanied by frustrating events, traumas, irrational attitudes and self-limitations.
The type of attachment a child develops in childhood plays an important role in choosing a partner and forming a model of behavior in relationships.
The type of attachment forms the mother's attitude to the child at an early stage of its development. Because it is the mother who is an important basic figure for a small defenseless person. It is the mother's attitude that lays the foundation for the child's "I". And the relationship built with the mother forms the basic model of relationships with a partner in the future.
So, if the mother arranged “emotional swings” for the child, was inconsistent and unpredictable in her actions towards the baby, was not always there at the right moments, the child develops an anxious type of attachment. An anxious type of attachment is based on the fear of being abandoned.
In adulthood, anxiety will spread to a person’s sense of self (lack of self-confidence, complexes, lack of internal support and a basic sense of security).
With such a set of self-perceptions, a person will always be flexible at work “you can ride him”, and also absolutely dependent on a partner in a relationship out of fear of losing him.
Relationships with an anxious person will often be accompanied by excessive anxiety (sometimes paranoid), hyper control and overprotection of the partner. For example, if a man does not answer a call in time, a woman with an anxious attachment type will raise all authorities (hospitals, police, friends and relatives) to their ears.
And if a man or a child decides to leave the nest, an anxious mother is very likely to “get sick,” because the psyche will do everything possible to not let loved ones go even the slightest distance, where there is no possibility of control.
In situations where parents did not accept or avoided emotional contact with the child, ignored or even scolded him for showing emotions and feelings, including negative ones, this leads to the formation of an avoidant type of attachment.
An adult with this type of attachment will avoid close emotional contact with the opposite sex. These people are usually emotionally unavailable. They establish distance with their partner out of fear of getting closer.
People with an avoidant attachment type, out of fear of being abandoned, usually end the relationship first. It is quite difficult to come to an agreement with a person of this type, because he is unlikely to agree to a “heart-to-heart talk” and at the first difficulties he will silently pack his suitcase.
The only full-fledged partners are people with a reliable type of attachment. Such people grew up with a full sense of integrity and significance of themselves and, accordingly, others. Relationships are built from the position of equality “I am good, you are good!” Which has a beneficial effect on the emotional background of the couple.
Less than 50% of people have a secure attachment type. Which means that most people build relationships on anxiety and psychological trauma. And some of them are incapable of being in a relationship at all.
People with a secure attachment style are the only ones who do not become dependent if the person does not reciprocate or distances themselves from them. This cannot be said about adults with an anxious or avoidant attachment style.
Where refusal or ignoring is perceived tragically and painfully, as a blow to one's own importance. And therefore there is a reason to try to get closer, to prove the opposite!
So, a free choice of a partner, even guided by emotions and feelings, is not a guarantee of the quality of the relationship.
The internal will always be reflected in the external.
Whether we realize it or not, our unconscious will lead us to the partner with whom there is a chance to play out familiar childhood scenarios and roles.
It is possible to get out of this vicious circle through deep psychological work on yourself and your traumas under the guidance of an experienced psychologist.
Which will subsequently undoubtedly be reflected in a positive perception of oneself and, as a result, will increase the chances of creating healthy, happy relationships.
Earlier we talked about what psychologists have named habits that lead to poverty .
