There are always two groups of children on the playground: some are playing quietly and peacefully in their sandbox, while others are running around the entire yard.
The second ones, by virtue of their character, are always looking for adventures. As in that children's song from the cartoon, "he will be terribly upset if something in the world suddenly happens without him."
How can parents maintain a balance between caring for their children's safety and respecting their personal boundaries? How to control your child while maintaining trust and not becoming a parent-supervisor, says Anastasia Kolpakova-Kalmykova .
More yeses
When a child is still small, before doing anything, he looks at his mother’s gaze to understand from her reaction: is this okay or not?
When you respond emotionally in most cases positively, your refusal will be perceived by the child as a “stop” signal. However, if “no” sounds more often than “yes” or you ultimately give permission only after much persuasion, just so that the child stops asking, the value and authority of your word disappears.
The child is taught that a parent's decision can be easily changed by including persistence, whims and tears. "No" from mom or dad is no longer taken seriously.
As the child grows up, he takes the first serious steps towards separation. Together with the child, his boundaries grow. But instead of support and open dialogue, he again hears only prohibitions as in infancy: don't go here, don't touch this, don't eat that.
In the strictest families, children grow up who learn to skillfully bypass all restrictions. They have to lie to get what they want. In the family system, the word “no” has already lost its meaning and value.
From birth, parents broadcast double messages: no is yes, if you ask for a long time. No is the answer to all requests, then you don’t have to ask.
A child should not be afraid to come up and ask mom or dad about something. For example, if his friends “urge” him to do something that seems dubious to him, he can ask mom or dad for advice without fear of being punished.
In this case, he will listen to you, because your prohibition will not be “out of nowhere”. The child should have a clear system of values. Then you should not worry about the influence of some bad companies. The inner core of your son or daughter will simply not allow them to fall under bad influence.
All previous generations grew up under strict restrictions. Remember: almost everything that did not have a direct practical use was considered unnecessary or prohibited.
This attitude arose from a lack of funds and over time moved from material things to the emotional sphere: there was less joy, less freedom, fewer options to choose from.
To enable your child to dream boldly and one day achieve big goals, it is important to support their initiatives and aspirations. Let them know that you are there and ready to help them realize their ideas.
For example, if your child comes up with the idea of organizing a lemonade stand in the yard, don’t immediately dismiss it as a trifle.
Instead, offer to help: draw a bright poster with prices together or choose suitable cups and straws. This way, you will become a real friend for your child who can be trusted.
You want to turn to such a parent for advice, to find out his opinion. It will become really important if you say more often: "Yes, you can, I'm nearby."
Let's compare two situations. A teenage girl tells her mother: I want to swim across the Volga.
In one case, the mother strictly forbids everything, starts to get nervous and scream. In her imagination, the child has already jumped into the water and started to drown.
In the second case, the mother answers in a calm, confident tone: yes, okay, swim, but before that you need to find a boat that will swim next to you to ensure your safety. And then she takes her to training, where the child can really assess her strength.
If the reaction is aggressive and borders on hysteria, the girl will consider her mother’s concerns to be an exaggeration.
The relationship will be spoiled. With a reasonable approach, where an adult remains an adult in any situation, without falling into despair, the girl will see her mother's readiness to support her and help. And then in other life issues she will listen to her opinion.
The eternal “no”
Hypercontrol works in the opposite direction. Here are some important recommendations on how to maintain a good relationship with your child:
- Develop active listening skills by showing deep interest in your child’s thoughts and feelings. Understanding and supporting their emotions strengthens the bond and creates an atmosphere of trust in the family.
- Practice open communication, avoiding judgmental statements. Create a safe space where the child feels they can share their experiences and stories without fear of resentment.
- Recognize your child's right to their own space and individuality.
- Schedule time for shared activities that both parents and children enjoy. Shared memories help strengthen family bonds.
Every action and word of a parent has an impact on the child. Maintaining a strong relationship between you and your children requires special attention, mutual respect and patience.
Parents should remember that at a certain age, a child will make decisions independently. But for this, it is important to teach him to form his own opinion, which will serve as a guide.
To do this, include children in the decision-making process. Start with small steps: where to spend a weekend together, what kind of sweater to buy, how long he wants his hair to be.
Discuss your point of view with him. Explain in the form of a friendly conversation why you think one way or another.
Allow the child to reflect; don’t consider yourself the ultimate authority.
It is parents who help a child better understand the world around them and confidently make informed decisions about their friends, social environment and leisure activities.
Expert: Anastasia Kolpakova-Kalmykova
