Content
Why People Try to Please Everyone and How to Learn to Say No
01.04.2024 16:58
It is impossible to please everyone.
However, if you look at the differences in personal communication between different people, interesting characteristics or typical features are revealed.
Their characteristics can be conditionally divided into two directions: adherents of active communication and a conscious solitary lifestyle.
Of course, there are many people with mixed behavioral traits. Different types, despite their external similarity, are as dissimilar to each other as the Sun and the Moon.
The latter, as a rule, do not need approval, they know that mass likes on social networks are not an indicator of intelligence and happiness, and that the best unions and practices are achieved there when opposites complement each other. They live and interact without adjusting to anyone, and they know how to enjoy life without dependence.
The choice of behavior and communication style also depends on the emotional characteristics and needs of the types, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Of course, there are no good or bad people, but there are special ones. Not all natures that want to "please everyone" are typically characterized by perfectionism, procrastination and self-doubt. Moreover, the word "everyone" should be taken conditionally. Rather, they do not want to be known as impolite or "uncommunicative", and these are already certain fears that give rise to dependence on the opinions and judgments of others. They crave constant, albeit unspoken approval from the outside.
A typical example from practice: a lady complains about herself: "I had so many plans, but I did nothing." But if you offer her to discuss these dream plans, she will gladly immerse both herself and you in stories about them, and the important significance of these projects. Such a type, out of insecurity, agrees to many things, is afraid to lose even what he has, and often loses.
A typical example of a "kindest soul of a person" is Alexander Davidych Samoylenko ("Duel", A.P. Chekhov) or even the entrepreneur Elon Musk, who knows how to refuse, whose communication does not suffer, including because of his confidence in his own resources. Many of the sociable people know how to say "no" in time.
How to gain self-confidence without losing your social circle?
Learn from narcissists
It is clear that this is not always possible in communication, but much can be learned from pronounced narcissistic natures. These typically do not "fixate" on the desires of others if this does not help them achieve their own goals. The narcissist, without shame and false modesty, justifies his behavior and says: "for those who are honest and attentive to me, I will do everything, for others I am problematic." There are two controversial factors here.
What is "honesty" and what is "I will do everything". These concepts without clarification, and best of all - without an actual example-manifestation are abstract in nature, associated with their own subjective definitions. We can say: "humanly", but even two outwardly similar representatives of humanity can have different (distinct) judgments about the subject. She can consider herself honest and making the whole world happy, but it is not a fact that she is.
You can learn conditional egoism, understanding that “I do what is beneficial to me.” Considering that you are not a narcissist, you will not be able to fully adopt their style, but adding a little (from their “rules”) to your baggage of successful communication – why not.
Therefore, if you are not interested in the topic of discussion, you should not succumb to the influence of the one who imposes or suggests the topic. But how to leave the dialogue without damaging the communication?
Discuss what you like
A person who wants to maintain communication at all costs will listen and engage in conversation endlessly (in the end, everything goes into words), and sometimes even offer his own stories on the same topic.
Instead, it is reasonable to ask in a polite manner, "all this is great, but please tell me, how will this benefit me?". Do not be shy about asking the question. In response, you will either hear from the interlocutor his vision (or arguments) for your benefit, or the "empty" conversation will stop. To agree or not with the interlocutor is always your right to self-determination.
Have a "plan B"
It is rare that confidence is innate in one's character traits - a quality acquired through experience, even with favorable genealogical inclinations, confidence is achieved through training. This is especially important to know for an insecure person. One of the ways available to everyone is to have an alternative plan of action.
This method is especially good for those who do not know how (are afraid) to say "no". For example, you know with whom and how to start a new and continue the old communication when the existing contacts disappoint. Then communication with intrusive people or those offering one-sided benefits will not be oppressive. Having a plan, you know in advance what you will do if the interlocutor is offended or hurt, interrupts the communication in response to your "no".
Grow!
Often the maxim "where there are few events, they are remembered longer" is true, especially in small towns and villages. By the same analogy, an insecure person falls into the trap of obviousness - with the fear that communication "will no longer be at all". This is a chimera. Events are created by people themselves and nothing prevents you from being one of the creators. The main thing in such a situation is systematic action, movement. Do not be afraid of different spheres, experiment.
For example, if you knit, there will come a time when customers themselves will seek communication with you. If you are an amateur runner, you will soon definitely join a club of similar interests; hence new acquaintances and communication.
The main thing is to strive for quality and perfection in everything. Not immediately, but gradually the successes will be better - in comparison with yesterday. This is exactly how any success should be compared. Not with the Guinness Book of Records, but with your achievements of yesterday.
Conclusions
No matter how similar you are to typical natures, no one will be able to completely repeat the path and fate of another. Everyone has their own advantages and disadvantages.
The methods discussed above, among hundreds of others, help a person to develop harmoniously and not forget about his own value among people. It is not about excluding communication, but about gently, correctly, without hurting the other, seeing alternative possibilities and transferring communication in the direction you need.
After all, only mutual benefit creates communities of equal, complementary partners, and not plots for one-sided “games” with elements of manipulation or using another for one’s own purposes.
Earlier we talked about how to understand that a man is indifferent to a woman .
