Why does a man leave soon after the relationship begins?

Conventionally, the causes of the phenomenon can be divided into those dependent on the man and those dependent on the woman, and in another perspective - depending on conscious intentions (actions) or random.

Among the many possible reasons (and it is impossible to describe all cases), typical ones are noticeable.

It’s trivial to answer questions like “because he fell out of love”, “met someone else”, “is afraid to get married”, “never wanted a long-term meaningful relationship”; let’s not even demonize the typical man, believe me, he’s not like that.

Almost everyone wants a meaningful relationship, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .

But it is important – with whom. Just like a woman. Below we will consider precisely such worthy men (they will not offer anything unworthy).

Some reasons that depend on the man

I would pay attention to the factor of age and experience of a man. It is determined not so much by wrinkles or muscles, but in psychological terms by inflexibility. The age factor is important regardless of gender (women are no less susceptible to it).

With age and experience (biologists associate this with the composition of the blood and the condition of the blood vessels), inflexibility typically manifests itself in the literal and figurative sense - under the influence of experience.

New decisions are harder to make, changes in habits are harder, and the fear of losing what has been accumulated (values, reputation, prospects) is greater. As Lermontov wrote (A Hero of Our Time) – and, if we believe the author, at the age of 25 – “I have already passed that period of spiritual life when people seek only happiness, when the heart feels the need to love someone strongly and passionately – now I only want to be loved, and then by very few…”.

In this case, Lermontov correctly guessed the elements of desires of male nature, and in our case this is indicative - as the reasons for male behavior.

Inflexibility or "consistency", that is, the formation of habits and characteristic features leads to the fact that a man believes that "he cannot live differently" (by the way, there is an interesting turn of the topic here - when after breaking up with a woman he feels that he "could have done it differently", this partly changes him, that is, a man thinks, but it is important that he makes the right conclusions in a timely manner, and it is impossible to do it in a timely manner, because there are reasons for the emotional impact from a woman - when he thinks - "no, it's better, no way, instead of somehow" - and it turns out between a man and a woman (in such a situation) a vicious circle - untimeliness and misunderstanding of the moment - like an eternal drama). And no one is to blame, both seem to be good people.

So, inflexibility is expressed in excessively narcissistic demands on a partner (silently expected or even spoken about), that is, on a woman who is established and, in her own way, also inflexible.

Accordingly, due to established stereotypes - subjective ideas about a partner in the manner of “how it should be” and due to the discrepancy between ideas and reality, cognitive dissonance arises when a man asks himself the question “why?”

And with the woman’s connivance (inattention to the moment), he himself responds to it with “action”.

Reasons that depend on the woman

In continuation of what has been said, the importance of a timely feeling of the "moment" by the woman herself is visible. Women are very sensitive. But they do not always use it in a timely and positive way. And the "warning signs" or prerequisites that a man is "getting ready to go out" are quite noticeable and obvious. You just need to be attentive.

If he (after a month or earlier) reduces his attention, stops giving you little joys, is inattentive (compared to before) to your messages and calls, tries to reduce the time spent together, the frequency of meetings and communication, secludes himself with a cell phone (and many others) - all these are signs of his cooling down and dissatisfaction with the relationship. But it is important to understand the reason - why. And to correct the situation in time.

If, of course, you want it. Alternatively, have a heart-to-heart talk. Since no matter what a person says, he always “talks about himself” (you just need to be able to hear), a woman is able to understand the problems of the situation – his unfulfilled expectations or his own lack of understanding, or other circumstances.

Strengthening relationships always goes through rules that are “understandable” to both: predictability of partners (keeping agreements is extremely important for a man), absence of critical secrets on the part of the woman (for example, she communicates with the “ex” as with a friend, and does not explain why when asked), creation of a system of common interests and plans, in other words – involvement of the man in the woman’s life (this could be working on a joint project, help or assistance in a woman’s hobby – for example, she is involved in amateur running, and he is also involved – or provides it).

Joint agreed plans and distribution of "roles" in a couple are important. All this needs to be discussed and agreed upon. That is, any involvement in the life of a woman and each other is important - this strengthens the relationship.

A good option is to introduce him (by chance) to your friends, again common interests. This is - in addition to personal and family significant.

Now imagine if there is none of this. In your opinion, he is simply "my man". I will introduce him to others (bring him closer) sometime later, but for now I will "see"... Well, in this case - there is nothing to be surprised about, because such a life (if he is not aiming for a "guest marriage") very quickly acquires the properties of "reciprocity" - he is not a fool, and understands everything.

Conditional mistakes of a woman that push a man away

Again, taking into account individuality. A man is influenced by his own assessments and related subjective factors. For someone, a woman who is conditionally independent and accustomed to independence, even self-sufficiency, is the ultimate dream.

Let us recall the "triangle" of the hypothetical gigolo Vasiliy Andreevich Lokhankin, his wife Varvara, and the engineer Ptiburdukov ("The Golden Calf", I. Ilf, E. Petrov). Varvara has "service", and Vasiliy is busy with the problem of the influence of the intelligentsia and reflects on the topics of "Vasisualy Lokhankin and the World Revolution", "Let the intelligentsia and Lokhankin" and so on.

He was satisfied with many things. But for some, excessive (subjectively perceived) female independence is unacceptable. A man tolerates it for some time, and if he is interested in a woman, in a relationship, he tries to adapt, to humble himself somewhere, but for a long time it is uncomfortable for an adult to live like this.

A typical female mistake is, if I may say so, uncertainty. It is not about criticism, especially since not much time has passed since they met, and the woman is “getting used to it”, “she doesn’t know herself”. But these doubts are destructive to relationships.

A man thinks and acts faster, he does not wait, this is his natural role. When she is not sure of herself, nor of her feelings for him, nor of the prospects, he asks himself the pernicious questions "why?". The second conditional error, following from the first - underestimation of a man.

It is clear that “you can’t see a face face to face”, however, in her actions, in the search for the best solutions and even saving the situation, but not knowing the completely male values, desires and prerogatives, a woman is mistaken in that she “does not value”; “oh well” - at some point (using a comparison of men) she persuades herself. And then… he leaves.

Another important detail is that a man should be interested in at least something. A woman's body is great at the first stage of a relationship, but for a long-term meaningful relationship, something else is needed. For example, a woman's irreplaceability.

Not the ability to show off a manicure that "no one else can have," but a complex of characteristics of the mind, action, and feelings. This is typically where the problems come in.

Not because women are bad, but because they don't know men, use typical recommendations and compilations, and don't want to find out... And in order to understand - you need to know, be interested - what a man "breathes". If you want to understand - think like HIM, at least sometimes. Then there will be fewer mistakes.

In this case, any lasting interest of a man, organized by a woman as soon as possible after the beginning of acquaintance is good and promising. There is no escape from the mercantile either, but not everything can be measured by material things, you can have your own outstanding attractive qualities and actions.

They will be an additional "foundation" cementing the relationship. For example, migrants (among other things) are attracted by living space, a writer loves silence, a biker - a motorcycle. You can build common interests on love for animals. For anything - if there is a desire. Figuratively speaking, if HE loves the warm sea and bananas - why invite him to the Vorkuta mine?

The fundamental error is related to narcissism and unworked subsequent moves and unpreparedness for male reactions. Intellectual games, including chess – in systematic praxis, typically help against the error.

A woman often wants to show him "something". This emotion is typical, human and justified. But the details are important - how to show "what", and at what moment to choose. But it is known - if you want to criticize - first praise, if you want to talk about something serious or unpleasant - first feed, a well-fed man is more accommodating. This stupidity at first glance, unfortunately, is quite real - that's how it is. And some "show" ... out of stupidity.

“They show” as an element of revenge, as a way and desire to teach, change (remake) with the justification “I will make a better half out of him now”, as a way to convey to him your true and important desires, but not directly (as it should be and frankly), but like “guess it yourself”.

A man is not a Pithecanthropus, but he is not a medium either – especially in the first months of acquaintance – he does not know you well yet. And therefore he already hopes for the best. Someone will guess, but most will not.

Here it is very important: in order to “convey” to HIM your thought, sometimes important and intimate, promising for both of you, you need to speak to him not in the language of your girlfriend, but in his male language, that is, in a system of values that is understandable to them.

Figuratively speaking, to talk to a man from a woman’s side, a translator “from Russian to Russian” is needed.

You will be able to achieve this taking into account the characteristics of a particular man - he will not go anywhere either in a month or in 500 months, because he will feel an irreplaceable understanding.

It is not difficult. But for some it is very difficult – because a woman typically imagines that all this (above) attention, activity, gifts, motivation – all this should be provided by a man. And in this she is wrong. That is the whole secret.

He should not - this is his good will in specific relationships. And also no less good will of a woman - to have her own position, determining specific actions and even reading these recommendations. Compromise, patience of shortcomings, and not a bias of attention - this is what creates irreplaceability too.

So, in the interim results, attentiveness to him and the details of communication, predictability, irreplaceability, timely positive-surprising female reactions are necessary.

Situations typically repeat themselves, otherwise the questions themselves would not arise.

In order to improve and change the situation, it is necessary to turn “women’s mistakes” around and prevent them proactively, at the initial stage of acquaintance. If the list is conditionally 10 positions, then so.

10 Important Rules for Attracting an Interested Woman

1. Think about the repeatedly repeated past experience, analyze it and finally intellectually change yourself (not it).

2. Pay attention (courses, study, books on the topic, consultations with men - who you trust) to the typical male worldview, value system, typical expectations and reactions, that is, try to get to know and understand men - this will make subsequent communication and relationships more successful.

3. Pay attention to logical thinking skills. Get into the habit of playing chess with a strong partner (or computer), use other logical games. Chess consistently instills the skill of predicting the actions of a partner several moves ahead and improves your own possibilities of combining circumstances.

3. Reduce demands. In the first month of the relationship (and another 3-4), live and act in the position - HE does not owe you anything.

4. Reasonable initiative and activity in relationships are appropriate: you yourself can suggest where to go, plans for the week or evening (and it is desirable to have a variety of options).

5. You don’t need to “show” him anything after the fact and thus expect his behavior to be corrected (you will wait until the “Second Coming” or his departure): what you want – say (or write) not in hints, not in riddles, but preferably directly. But at the same time correctly, and with a proposal of possible alternative options (choice is always attractive).

6. Do not insult him personally, and especially not in society. A "feminine" insult for a man can even be your criticism and raised tone when addressing him, for example, in the common anteroom of a sports school where you brought children for training. Such things must be felt - this cannot be taught.

7. Interest a man with at least something – something he won’t find anywhere else. But look at the subject through his eyes (not your biased ones). What exactly does he need? Give it to him – in one form or another, in doses or indirectly.

7. Talk frankly. He must be confident in you. It is also important for him that your actions are predictable.

8. Agree and build a joint development plan for your couple, defining and agreeing on “roles”.

9. Try not to be always the main one - decisive and defining, like an eternal leader - this tires a typical man - but understanding, that is - the best, the half, the woman, the wife. Know when to stop in an argument or "play" submission, weakness.

10. Do not use the "closer-further" tactic or the equivalent of "emotional swings" in relationships with your loved one (if he is loved), (at least do not use it often), so popularized by women of all ages. Utter stupidity. If you want success with men, consult with men, not with divorced mothers or girlfriends, because "like attracts like."

To begin with - and this is the main thing (so as not to be surprised later) - decide for yourself - what you want - from him and your relationship. A correctly set task is half of its solution.

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• 17 September 2024

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