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Who and how is the return of relations suitable for?
03.03.2024 19:26
Relationships between a man and a woman are not frozen, forever given, they undergo changes over time, even if we assume that both parties strive to maintain them.
It's not just a matter of habit or "everyday life" that kills desire. It's that each partner feels that joy, burdened with the duty to replace other joys, becomes too tiring.
Therefore, in relationships, even if they continue, there are periods of cooling and bright rise, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Who is relationship reincarnation suitable for?
Returning to a better quality of relationship is suitable for everyone - provided that both parties want it, in which case the chances are high.
It is also necessary to realize that a new format, "turn" or chance in a relationship makes it different (with the same participants). If the previous relationship has turned into a habit, stagnation and has no prospects, has ceased to satisfy, it must be ended, recognizing this.
And only then, having “let go of everything” and without reproaching each other, begin new, different ones. In this case, the basis and participants remain the same. Yes, time must pass between the end of the old and the blossoming of the new; it is necessary, since it allows both to get bored.
Next, let's talk about how to "start all over again."
Take the side of your "other half"
This is necessary to better understand another person. In a person's perception, life revolves, first of all, always around him, interests, plans, desires, dreams, based on the situation and opportunities.
Even if there are many children in the family, the mother and father see the development plan of the social unit, but sometimes differently. Hence the intermediate conclusion.
In order to establish contact with the "other half", he/she must adequately perceive him/herself next to you. That is, to imagine well (again) the future and life together.
Work on mutual trust
To restore the trust of another, forbid yourself negative emotions and reproaches - they are useless. What's done is done. It is impossible to do better, but it is quite possible to worsen the relationship.
Ensure that the mistakes are discussed and “worked through” and that conclusions are drawn about their non-recurrence.
Then forbid yourself from reproaching your loved one. Instead of the popular and incorrect tactics of getting personal with claims like “and you…” it is better to reason logically, express your opinions on situations with arguments, be open and honest in your assessments. The key to a trusting relationship is accepting the opinion of another.
It is unlikely that you will be trusted only from one side. People like reciprocity. One-sided relationships do not attract them. Try to show attention and generosity to your partner, share your trust and he/she will reciprocate.
How not to do it: When communicating with a specific man, a woman tries to fill the emotions that she lacks. A special style of emotional vampirism or finding a free personal psychotherapist.
She tells almost nothing about herself and her backstory, for example, with her ex-Finnish husband, where she often goes, but she expects and wants her partner to trust her and open up to her.
This approach is not only "strange", but it destroys the shaky or emerging foundation of the relationship itself, and it deceives no one, especially the specialist. Trust is a mutual process.
Conditions for negotiations
Of course, we need to talk in person - not via messages on social networks and instant messengers (that's just the beginning).
In face-to-face communication, when you are close, through verbal cues - intonation, gestures, looks and emotions, you can eliminate the misunderstandings that inevitably occur when transmitting text messages over distances, even if you supply them with the appropriate "emoji".
Besides, when you are close, any argument can be stopped with a sincere confession, compassion for the other, and of course, hugs.
Don't try to "win" or insist on your own way in a conversation. They only insist on alcohol. Stick to logical thinking in conversation and communication - if you are capable of it.
There is no need to "show" anything to the other person, threaten to change their minds and "plans" - in general, provoke. Here is one illustration of how not to do it.
An example of what not to do
The woman regularly changes her avatar with her changing mood, using instead subjectively appropriate “quotes” from “great minds”, adapted by someone to the present time and posted on the Internet.
This is very convenient and in demand, having found a suitable picture you feel smarter, and at the same time you make your partner understand his inferiority.
In addition to the fact that not all “quotes” on the Internet correspond to the sources to which they are attributed, and even less to real modern situations, such a systematic “conversation” with a partner forces him to “respond”.
This is a very common mistake in personal relationships throughout the centuries, despite scientific and technological progress. But the partner is not a Pithecanthropus and feels that she is driven by a sense of resentment and, in a sense, insecurity - as if she has to prove something, win in every argument. A confident person has no need for such a practice of "showing off".
Instead, try to calm your "I" and forget about your own egoism for a while (because it is completely impossible), try to hear the opinion and position of your partner. When this happens, set, clarify, connect goals - from two positions, choose the prerogative of the goal as a common value for you.
Setting up shared goals and plans
To start new relationships with old “heroes”, decide what result you want to achieve.
It is necessary to clarify the partner's goals and acknowledge their high importance. They must be important to you. That is, again - you can't do without a personal conversation. Having clarified the goals, choose the main one and agree on a plan - by roles (who will do what) - how to achieve it and by what means.
Motivation is very important. Imagine the reward you will receive for all the "sacrifices" of your freedom or ego. Having defined the goal, try not to be distracted by secondary things, and act in accordance with the motto "forward and only to victory."
Get to know the person even better
Even before you have aligned your goals, it is highly desirable to understand who your partner really is in real and characteristic performance.
It is necessary, if not to collect information, then at least to carefully observe the actions and behavioral reactions of your chosen one. When you understand this, it is easier to find an approach to your partner and to assume his (her) reactions to certain events and challenges of the time.
How not to do it. Such a correlation has long been noted and confirmed by research. The more authoritarian and even jealous a person is, the greater his ego-, narcissistic or (respectively) possessive claims to control another - the longer he speaks.
Or he expresses his thoughts in messages. So he tries to convey his thoughts, confident that he is heard, read, and, most importantly, understood and taken into account.
The desire is purely human, and generally natural. But... this is a characteristic sign that you have an almost despotic nature in front of you. The results are the exact opposite.
No one (unless they are dependent) wants to listen to such monologues and at best ignores them, saying to themselves, "Don't whip, Fedya," or "Don't whip, Nadya." The person finds themselves in even greater isolation, but also gets used to the illusion that the partner and people are interested in listening to everything that he "has to say."
The more you try to "enslave" your partner or impose an opinion, the more danger you are in. A partner with a "straightforward" character will immediately tell you about it.
The dependent or modest one will remain silent, but will do it his way so that you will lose at the most inopportune moment. The more authoritarian you become as a partner, the less you hear bad news and critical comments.
Your partner will no longer consult you in the manner of: "maybe you shouldn't do this?" You will hear only panegyrics, silence or - worse - flattery and compliments to your genius. Which leads to degradation of your personality first of all.
On the one hand, this is useful for family management. But on the other hand, it is another "time bomb".
Because relationships between partners that are unbalanced in their perception of interests can only be temporary and are unlikely to be deep.
If we are talking about a high-quality foundation for a relationship, including a newly restored one, then try to avoid all of these difficulties (“what not to do”) described above.
Previously, it was reported what divorced women regret.
