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What psychological barriers prevent people from starting a family
18.07.2024 13:39
People in meaningful, family and personal relationships are hindered by the same psychological attitudes that have become habits, as in any other area of behavioral manifestations.
This happens because of reactions to what is happening and plans of action that are subjectively accepted as normal.
The reasons for this phenomenon are the desire to take the “easy path” with the thoughts: “love me, dark-haired, because everyone will love me, light-haired.”
Instead of working on yourself and thinking more about your partner, and not about your goals and desires. However, acting "perfectly" and completely - rarely does anyone succeed. But you can get closer to such an understanding, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Typical barriers to happiness
One of the most common barriers to happiness is the wrong position of oneself in relation to one's partner, namely the desire to deceive one's partner about one's capabilities and goals. Yes, one can say "I want a big family" and at the same time remain silent about the methods by which one will raise children, according to what scale of values.
Accumulated experience is another barrier. Because of it, people know the weaknesses of the opposite sex and remember situations – how they managed to achieve their goals. Transferring this experience to new relationships is a big mistake, because in front of you is a person with a different character – in elements or in principle.
The third conditional barrier is self-doubt, carefully hidden. Hence, the fear of trust acts implicitly, but has a significant influence on behavior. The reasons for mistrust are not so important, what is important is that it has become a habit, thanks to accumulated experience and in accordance with character.
Why do men of different ages prefer "younger" women - if they have a choice?
Not necessarily in order to deceive, but mainly for her own comfort: a less experienced woman trusts and confides more, which, in addition to the mistakes common to everyone and at any age, also gives an important male reaction: such a woman cannot be deceived, you want to value and protect her.
On the contrary, a woman is experienced and shows it - it is immediately visible in conversations and actions. She shows emotional strength and stability, that is, independence, therefore, a claim to influence. It would seem, why is this bad? We do not give assessments.
But the typical male partner does not need "strength" in a woman at all. He has it, but he needs what he does not have. Emotionally, he needs softness and flexibility in character. Even if he is facing Bonnie, and he himself is Clyde, people who are energetic and prefer action.
A complementary quality is needed, then it becomes interesting to develop both dialogue and personal relationships. Of course, it is possible to build mutually beneficial relationships in marriage based on equal partnerships with a business perspective. But typically in a family one of the two partners influences.
Without trusting your partner completely, testing him and not finding the ideal in him, and therefore hiding your fears and “secrets” from him, it is difficult to build family happiness on a long-term basis.
Therefore, people, recognizing the importance of a family or partnership for themselves, try to build not so much happiness as its palliative; that is, mutually beneficial relationships based on certain conditions.
The fourth conditional barrier is the untimeliness of the initiative. Because even good ideas sometimes require preparation by a partner or at least an explanation of long-term plans in detail.
Reasons for the contradictions
If we continue to talk about barriers that prevent the creation of a family union, we can recall physical ill health, difficult financial situation, and the lack of complementary intelligence in potential partners.
But still, the main reasons are in emotional readiness to interact with another person; for this, at least sympathy is needed. Problems can be overcome by carefully studying the "barriers" and your partner.
Even if you are very clever at “cheating,” plans do not come to fruition or events do not happen as expected because no one can deceive or outplay another for long, or play a role.
Sooner or later – and in natural communication this happens quickly – the partner understands the hidden features, circumstances, events, stories and reasons for mistrust, and then either acts adequately or seeks to leave the relationship. That is, he does not value you.
Knowing your partner
Learning can become a fun game. This is where game techniques really come in handy. You can break a big goal into many tiny steps and work on each of them separately. Set yourself a plan – by days – today learn this from “him”, tomorrow – that.
It is best to do this in confidential conversations, not in a race to a football match, but in the evening over tea. Ask gently and tactfully - tell me about yourself, and be sure to ask leading questions. Even after such heart-to-heart talks, the system will seem quite interesting to you, and you will want to continue it.
Because everyone has a whole fascinating world inside, but not everyone shares it with others. And discussing different stories, firstly, will lead to an even greater disclosure of you (and your worldview, experience) to each other, and secondly, will cause a desire for reciprocal stories about yourself and the amazing stories that happened.
You can even use a timer together or participate in a creative or sports marathon - who has a longer story on a given topic. But these are just details. Believe me, this way of interaction in learning is better than the "passive" one that many women use.
Namely: they cut out one piece of paper from a savings book with a large sum in the account and wrote their sincere wish on it in several versions: “mutual love”, “sincere love for me from my man”, “for my man to be devoted to me, faithful, generous to me, and very wealthy”.
Then they folded the paper several times, set fire to a date next to it, and when it burned, they inserted the “remains” between the halves of the folded note and hid it in a hiding place.
This is a real way of female action from the recent past. Some will say - nonsense. But for someone it is not. The method is given only to understand the contrast: you should not guess (it is easier), but act.
In the appropriate setting, ask your beloved woman sincerely what she dreams about. Of course, she won’t tell you everything, but it depends on who.
Sometimes, when asked "what would you like", you can hear the following answer: "I would like to find someone... who... could... know me well. I want you to know me very well." You won't read such answers in the media or on fences. That's why attentiveness is needed, preferably mutual.
What not to do
Every trusting relationship has its downside. It is this that people with experience of ruined relationships fear most of all – “he won’t understand,” “he won’t appreciate,” “he’ll betray.” Indeed, a proactive, strong, but disappointed supporter is more dangerous than a modest admirer or opponent.
It can cause reputational damage tens of times more than any other. But you need to feel this moment, textbooks won't help here.
And, of course, you don’t need to build relationships only from the “give” position. Talk about what’s important to you, but at the same time, don’t forget your partner’s interests, don’t attack or blame the other.
Then there is no reason for the deterioration of personal relationships. Partners can get angry when they do not get what they want. Everyone has the right to be upset and expect that you will be convenient for them. This is what confidential communication is for.
They say that marriage is devalued in our time, then why strive for it? That people are not serious in personal relationships, and at the first difficulties they get divorced. No one tolerates anything else.
But it is not always and not so sad for everyone. There are many happy families. And there are those who overcome “their” barriers every day and more than once and still – they value each other and do not separate.
