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What does a man expect after a breakup?
30.08.2024 10:00
A man's expectations after a breakup depend on his character and experience, as well as the specifics of the situation in which the breakdown occurred.
The goals of a typical man at a given time also influence the situation.
There are two widely known typical scenarios of separation and consequences: when the initiator is a man, and when the initiative comes from a woman.
It also happens that both are “tired” of each other due to the “incorrigibility” of the partners and the too obvious subjectively unattractive predictability of the future of the relationship.
This is where the different expectations come from, but in general, a man expects something “new,” not connected to an endless series of showdowns, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Different perspectives
In the first case (above), the man is least susceptible to "suffering", because he is already ready to "bury the old" together with its object. Often, he already has a backup option. Then the expectations and reality of new impressions for the man are a motivator and a springboard for movement and development.
A new romance is the best way to restore a harmonious emotional background. Then the man does not expect anything from his ex-partner and does not strive to restore the relationship - he is fine without her. In principle, he does not think about her.
He only expects that his “ex” will not make any attempts to restore the former personal connection, and will not use the “secrets” “obtained” in communication (features, assets, stories, demands for compensation in various forms) against him.
Which, by the way, often happens in practice. Because a dissatisfied person, no matter who he is, is looking for something to compensate for his discontent and dissatisfaction.
As has been rightly said on another topic: a former, once trusting and dissatisfied partner, friend and supporter can cause more reputational (and other) harm than even an open enemy, rival or opponent.
Plans and preparation of reactions to reactions
Accordingly, before parting, it is extremely necessary for a man to carry out preparatory work in order to protect himself from everything negatively possible from his partner in the future and (or) to provide a plan of possible measures-reactions in response to possible demands of the abandoned woman.
In real life, communication and circumstances, situations often develop relatively suddenly, when a man does not have time to prepare, neglects it, and does not have a plan for future actions in response to possible female reactions, attempts to restore communication or demands.
This is one of the mistakes that one learns to overcome through experience communicating with different women.
But even if a man finds himself in a relatively unfavorable situation (option two - when the partner initiates the breakup), then, rethinking past events, but not getting carried away with introspection, it is necessary to find a replacement for the “ex” with the help of new impressions.
The benefits of new experiences and surprises
Unlike a woman who focuses on "her own memory", a man after a breakup, as a rule, wants peace and joy. And also positive surprises.
New acquaintances or, as their prelude, preparation - active communication in women's communities, teams are quite suitable for this. Conventionally, such a man will be helped by "immersion" in work in a women's team. Then he is surrounded by attention, understands his outstanding qualities, and generally takes care of himself.
The Harm of Past Negative Memories
Any breakup with a partner carries negative emotions, they can get worse - if the situation continues to affect him. In this case, memories of the ex only hinder the man's development.
Sometimes such memories are skillfully actualized by the partner. Even harmless messages from her side can be the reason for such actualization. Hence, the man's goals and his attitude to the former partner, to the current events are important.
A man feels best in conditions of his own realization and demand, that is, when negative emotions are replaced by positive ones, including with the help of a new partner. This rule applies in principle universally.
Neutralizing attention from the "ex"
To remove dependence on the "ex" it is necessary to devalue her, to see her shortcomings. Breakup and replacement in this case are quite suitable for such a conditionally subjective assessment from the outside.
Each new partner certainly has an original and unique interesting world, subjectively positive and convenient qualities for a man, predictability, and therefore the prospect of a relationship with mutual respect and “even” (without distortions – in relation to his desires) interpersonal communication seems justified.
To understand possible female actions, you need to try to get to know your partner in different situations.
What not to do
Resuscitation of a past relationship by a man is possible in certain cases. There are male types who are drawn to suffering - if only there was a reason. But this is conditionally one of the worst possible scenarios.
As Pechorin said to Grushnitsky (A Hero of Our Time, M.Yu. Lermontov): "Why hope? Wanting and achieving - I understand that. But hoping - no need."
By the way, a woman in her natural role also perceives events and feels much better - when a man is adamant. Already because when a woman is of fertile age, it is more advantageous for her to maintain contacts with a host of convenient men.
In a situation of safety and predictability. Relying on their controllability, skillfully manipulating the weaknesses and shortcomings of individual men, it is convenient to create a "social" competition between representatives of the "stronger sex", and you can (if desired) not refuse those for whom the soul yearns.
In principle, the possible options for action and similar reactions described are not “masculine”; they are generally inherent in humans and outside of gender.
In hope, a person may “grow,” but more often than not he finds himself in a weak role, like Vasily Andreevich Lokhankin in “The Golden Calf” (I. Ilf, E. Petrov), in the passive role of a suffering subject in the humiliating role of “accepting trials,” hoping that “maybe this is the homespun truth, maybe this is how it should be.”
According to the novel, Lokhankin’s long thoughts were reduced to a pleasant and familiar topic: “Vasisualiy Lokhankin and his significance”, “Lokhankin and the tragedy of Russian liberalism”, “Lokhankin and his role in the Russian revolution”.
Suffering only leads to a deterioration in a man's well-being and his prospects in everything. A much better male position is active, a position of action and development in various forms, openness and movement forward with confidence and therefore - effectiveness.
In this sense, a man’s expectations after a breakup come down to positive surprises and, in general, good things.
