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How to recognize infidelity: the main signs
17.09.2024 15:50
Talking about why a woman cheats from a man’s side is almost hopeless due to a lack of understanding.
To understand, you have to be a woman.
Since in a past life I was a woman (and now I am a man), it is possible to give an answer close to objective, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
A woman cheats or, alternatively, finds a better man in the concept of a man looking for something “new”, a woman – “better” – imperfect maxims are known – due to lack of demand, or subjectively perceived underestimation (a new partner is better – because “he knows less about me and will appreciate me better”). In addition, emotions are important to a woman.
It is important for a man to give emotions (in addition to other gifts). New emotions also affect a woman of fertile age, as the discovery of gunpowder - on the Sioux Indian in the distant 1710. A real Indian can be deceived only once, well, twice. The same applies to women because of their emotional sensitivity.
Cognitive dissonance arises in connection with emotions. Simply put, the soul begins to vibrate, and the woman finally feels happy.
This is important, but it won't be written on the forehead, you need to feel and understand the moment when a woman especially wants it. Desire manifests itself in different forms and is determined subjectively by the woman. But this is not just throwing around.
Having received new amazing emotions, the woman returns to the search for stability with a man who seems subjectively better to her. Conditional sedentarism, building a "nest" (home), maintaining a "hearth" and protecting offspring are tasks typical for a modern woman.
Finds (does not refuse) the “best” until the opportunity arises to connect with an even better one.
It is necessary to clarify what exactly is perceived under the definition of "best" - the system of values is individual and can change dynamically even in one woman. "For some, even a mare is a bride," said the janitor Tikhon in his dreams of a medal for his janitor service ("12 Chairs", I. Ilf, E. Petrov).
Ideally, the system of polygamous relationships could be like this (when there was a shortage of men in the world, the system was confirmed, and the world continued to exist; by the way, there is also confirmation of this in the books of the Bible, but I will not take quotes out of context): one woman can have several men, one man can have hundreds of women.
No, we do not call for polygamy, we only express and argue the idea. In particular, the following paragraphs examine the reasons for betrayal, the search for the best and the reasons for adultery. As well as recommendations for resolving some unpleasant situations.
If they hide it, how can you guess what it is giving away?
Rarely does anyone hide their betrayal of their partner or put it on display - for the latter, there must be special arguments and motives: tease, speed up the denouement - separation, elements of revenge, provocation - the whole set is good for a woman who is solving the problem of achieving her goal. In other and more typical cases, adultery is preferred not to advertise.
If we are talking about physiological betrayal, a fait accompli (and not seven-league preparatory steps towards it), then communication with the object of “betrayal” is mandatory.
This can be determined with a high degree of attentiveness to the woman's behavior, observing changed habits, behavior patterns. At the same time, it is advisable not to insult the lady with suspicions during the diagnostic process - until there are clear facts and evidence. In order not to make a mistake.
For example, when a man is cheating, you can figure out his “new” habits – he used to wash himself twice a week, but now he does it every day, especially before “going out” somewhere. This doesn’t happen with a typical woman – she takes a bath regularly.
And if she lingers there, she doesn't necessarily treat hemorrhoids, she can also do it by phone (communicate in messengers: here you need to watch - does she take her phone to the bathroom). The means of communication is now really an almost universal "diagnostic" tool. Well, why would she need a phone in the bathroom?
In the process of cheating, the “new partner” is a relevant and significant object of desire and communication; they miss him, want to know his opinion, share their own, generally see, hug, touch, talk to, listen to, read.
Therefore, a woman in love cannot stand for a long time without communication. Even if her new partner has left for a long, for example, military mission, she often thinks about him, looks at her smartphone in anticipation of finding messages.
And the longer the separation lasts, the more often (until someone, including the "legal" husband, has replaced him in one way or another). Therefore, a smartphone, like any communicator, is the most important detail in diagnosing a woman's condition.
Frequent "signals" on the smartphone, especially at night, after 9 p.m., are important for the diagnostician's attention. It is conditionally clear that it is incorrect to write messages after 9-10 p.m. But, let's say, this is a conditional, correctable norm.
It is clear that these can be any signals, including messages in "parent" chats - and any comments - if there are corresponding subscriptions to them. There are many options.
It is worth making conditional judgments-definitions based on the systematicity of their activity. It is appropriate to ask - "Who is writing?" The answer can be anything. Then you need to observe, analyze and draw conclusions.
Therefore, one way or another, the new “cheating” partner will be encrypted in the contact list on the smartphone (or other electronic device).
For example, one married lady coded me for years as "Sveta" (girlfriend). Accordingly, you can identify it by attentiveness: if your girlfriend Sveta often calls or writes, visits cafes and theaters together with your woman, and at the same time (according to the legend invented by the woman) lives nearby, and you last saw her 3 years ago (or do not know her at all) - this is a reason to think and pay increased attention to "Sveta".
The best way to collect evidence is to view the woman's correspondence on her smartphone. There are several ways to do this, but not all of them are impeccable from a legal perspective, which is why we will not go beyond hinting to the interested party.
Methods of avoiding unauthorized removal of information from the phone are also being improved. Advanced messengers have a function of end-to-end encryption of messages, when the latter get to the second correspondent, bypassing the server, the so-called "closed chats". There are other methods.
Some methods and examples
In general, there are many ways for a woman to cheat in the modern world. Any opportunity can be used, especially since a close express meeting of two lovers or desired ones can take only 3-5 minutes. Almost any room or circumstances are suitable for this.
And you can't describe all the methods even in a collection of works. I'll tell you a real and typical case between girlfriends.
One friend (mine) makes an arrangement with another who needs to meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours. Mine takes the kids and me to the store, to the stadium, to the forest (another event) and holds out the time as long as possible - "she doesn't want to go home, it's boring there, but here - look how nice it is."
At this time, a friend and her boyfriend (she has the keys) break into our apartment and use the bed for its intended purpose. We come home, I find a crumpled bed, scraps of some kind of adhesive tape, and already at night, having accidentally stuck my hand under the pillow - a woman's medallion.
It is clear that you won’t fingerprint someone else’s bandage to identify prints, but a medallion – especially a rare one – is a very important detail by which its owner can be identified.
She answers that "her 17-year-old daughter needed it", then, under the influence of evidence, she admits that she wanted to help her friend. It is not at all surprising if such meetings and help are provided by friends to each other on a mutual and contractual basis.
Mistakes of couples in love and cheating
The mistakes of couples in love and cheating are typical and obvious. They think little about the consequences and about hiding the evidence - they simply have more important things to do and emotions to deal with at the appropriate moment.
Forgetfulness is typical of people with big hearts. It is on these "simple mistakes" that you can catch.
Therefore, the simplest and most important way to identify female infidelity (and male infidelity, too) is attention to detail, and a clear discrepancy between suddenly arising initiatives (like “I don’t want to go home now”) and situations, suddenly changing decisions and plans, activity in communication that was not there before.
This is in addition to many, many combined signs, such as unreasonable (as it may seem to the uninitiated) concern about appearance, hair, manicure, personal health, shaving in the bikini area, spa procedures for cleansing the “Adam’s apple”, changing underwear and many others.
It is advisable to analyze everything in comparison with what was recently. And if there is a contrast, then there is, at a minimum, a reason to think.
Calm response
No one dares to answer this question unequivocally, only the one who is directly connected with the situation. The relationship between a man and a woman, when there is desire and reciprocity, is so dependent on many factors that there can be no simple answer.
The same (without any clear judgments) can be noted about the actions of the deceived man.
For some, it will be appropriate to “forgive” a woman in the manner of Laevsky (“Duel”, A.P. Chekhov), because he cannot do otherwise, someone will want to restore the “status quo” and more than once, and will be right in his own way (this way, male pride will suffer minimally), well, and someone will leave indignantly, loudly slamming the door, even to the point of active revenge.
The best thing in such and similar situations – not only related to betrayal, but also in the case of separation for other reasons and considerations – is an absolutely calm reaction to events. That is, leaving with your head held high.
For it to happen calmly, you need to be intellectually and emotionally prepared. Not in the sense that “all women…” and all men are “…”, but in the sense that people are, in principle, emotional creatures and polygamous – to varying degrees, depending on character, experience, other reasons, aspirations and opportunities.
That is, yes, no matter how blasphemous it may sound, you need to have minimal positive expectations in relation to the other, his impeccable and endless (inexhaustible) loyalty (a partner who sometimes does not know how he will act in a given situation), and then disappointment will not be critical for you.
This is the main thing for maintaining your own emotional background.
And secondly, try to maintain a balanced relationship in a couple, without any distortions, you don’t need to give gold chains in exchange for a well-cooked home-made scrambled egg - this relaxes your partner and increases your dependence on your partner.
Because they love the one for whom they do something, give something, spend assets and time, and therefore they become dependent.
Some conclusions
Stability and dependence on it is a routine in a woman's perception in certain cases. When everything is stable and super predictable, sometimes it is also bad for her. Too usual.
It’s one thing when important development issues are relevant – building a career, raising children from a young age and paying off a mortgage, and a woman, having suffered and “seen” enough of her partner in everyday life, having gotten used to it and “learned everything,” views the situation in a completely different way when all these tasks have been solved one way or another.
Why then "endure" again, you can live for yourself. A man, if he is not ready, perceives this situation almost as a betrayal - because of the invested assets at a considerable cost, and the main one is time. Because with age people "do not get younger".
So, to prevent this from happening in a critical form, I do not recommend that modern men allow imbalances in marital relations.
A woman, both ancient and modern - already by natural gender role, feels much better even subconsciously, when she is dependent on a man in something, does not know him completely. Otherwise, she is secretly looking for such.
"You can only "tempt" someone who is already ready for it. In addition to what has been said, in order for marriage and relationships with a woman to be strong, you must constantly surprise the lady of your heart positively (please her in various forms), that is, be unpredictable.
You have to be new (positively new) every day. Ideally, have hundreds of names and surnames, looks, voices and styles, and at the same time be reliable and strong (support and protection).
As Socrates said: "love is a theorem that must be proven every day," and "obstacles in love only strengthen it." This unpredictability and conditional independence is the most important feature of a man against the routine and discontent of a woman, against the search for substitutes.
Yes, there are many different things in the cause-and-effect relationship. Not everything can be explained by putting things on the shelves and assuming the reactions of another with an accuracy of up to a millimeter and a second of time. As the landowner P.I. Chichikov correctly said to the landowner V.S. Manilov (N.V. Gogol, "Dead Souls") - "Yes, in nature there are still many things that are inexplicable even for an extensive mind."
And adultery itself is one way or another a result, a consequence of reasons that were not assessed, worked through, or resolved in problematic issues in time. It is clear that a woman will not suddenly cheat, "just like that". Although there are reasons and desires for that that arise spontaneously, almost suddenly.
But so is a man. These two representatives of human society are worth each other. It is also appropriate to note - in the word and question - "should adultery be forgiven?" And here is the answer: who is the impeccable judge here in everything?
Yes, ideally partners should be monogamous in intimate contacts with each other, however, we already know of many cases (especially from young people) where they live not only without obligations, but also in an “open marriage”, and consider this the norm.
Maybe that is why they are introducing a separate course (from the 5th grade of basic school) from September 2024 – “family studies” with quite well-sounding (stated) goals and objectives, ultimately aimed at having many children and strengthening the family.
However, the result in educational projects, as well as in culture and in general – in enlightenment, is sometimes seen and assessed rather inertly. And the main thing is not in the announcements, but in how exactly the program will be implemented, and this is still unpredictable, there are too many influencing factors.
