The crisis of interpersonal trust, which is rightly called the “AIDS of the 21st century”.
Also, the accompanying problems of fake profiles on the Internet and the popularity of ghosting lead to a crisis in meeting potential partners with a positive (long-term) prospect.
They fight it as best they can. But almost everyone wants quality and personal communication.
Of "everyone", many believe that someone (but not "me") should take the initiative, "and I will think, evaluate and choose." This can be expected until the second coming. Sociologists from the National Research University Higher School of Economics calculated that in Russia every tenth woman aged 18 to 69 is single.
At the same time, for many, loneliness is not a free choice - it is how circumstances developed, and then a habit was formed. And there is a difference - it depends on what you consider "loneliness".
Some people are quite comfortable. In general, this is not a "sentence", but there are aspects that affect the situation. Indeed, attention deficit syndrome has migrated to adult diagnoses, which sometimes changes the quality of life for the worse.
It is interesting that the absence of a partner, especially after many unsuccessful attempts to enter into the desired relationship, is reinterpreted by an adult as injustice: how is it that everyone has close relationships, but I don’t?
This is not only a question of the desire or need for socialization of a specific person, but also a question of resources, including mental resources that influence mood, personality development, emotional harmony and behavior in society.
That is why the issue under consideration is extremely important and the topic is popular. The perception of the problem is typical: we are the same as everyone else, we deserve our place in the sun.
There are a lot of lonely people around, including those who are “all bruised from the blows of fate” and/or are saturated with conditionally negative experience of personal relationships in a couple.
This is indirectly confirmed by the following fact: many restaurants offer a table for one to order, and some manufacturers produce single-cup coffee makers and other household appliances for singles.
From this we can offer a calming conclusion: you are not alone, there are a huge number of people in the same situation of searching for personal happiness - but not just with whom.
Another thing is that the technique of proper acquaintance has been lost (typically), says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
But this can be corrected with knowledge, interest in another person, and skills can be improved with training and practice. And at any age. Just as the aged, seasoned student Kirill Petrovich Patrakhin entered the geography department of the Perm Pedagogical University at the age of 89 (now he is 91…), so you are not deprived of the opportunity to show initiative in the topic under consideration.
Before any action, of course, it is advisable to decide for yourself the main question - why do you want to meet? There can be many possible answers, as well as situations and characters. Everyone needs their own.
Some are simply bored, some want to achieve a feeling of happiness and warmth by building a serious, meaningful and long-term relationship, some are preoccupied with thoughts like the secondary character in the Soviet film “The Seven Brides of Corporal Zbruev” (directed by Vitaly Melnikov, 1970) - a priest of fertile age who needs a priest's wife for status, so that “they will give him a parish.”
Others act in the manner of Porthos from the historical adventure novel The Three Musketeers (Alexandre Dumas père, 1844), who said, “I fight... well, just because I fight.”
Having solved this main question, you can move on and prepare further. That is, prepare for a new acquaintance.
External forms, choice of style in clothes and wardrobe for the first impression-presentation on a potential partner are very important, but are not definitely exhaustive.
Internal readiness is important. Regardless of gender, it is important to accept and “love” yourself with all your known shortcomings – physical and moral. And this will lead to liberation, naturalness in communication and even an increase in self-awareness and libido.
If you make it a habit to meet a new person in a suitable situation at least once a week, and even more preferably in an unusual place or beautiful atmosphere, you will relatively quickly gain positive experience that you never dreamed of before. Accordingly, the good experience gained leads to the harmonization of all spheres of life. People around you will literally see “another person”.
When preparing for your first meeting, fantasize, use a creative approach, and when you get to know each other, share your fantasies with your partner (s), this will bring you even closer if the goals of your meeting coincide.
Using critical thinking, humor, and sarcasm, get used to the idea that "nothing terrible will happen if there is no result the first time." The sky will not fall to the ground. Moreover, according to statistics, many people "don't succeed" the first time, but "get it" later, with the accumulated experience, so much so that sometimes you can't stop.
Humor and sarcasm are concepts of different meanings, but they reflect internal emancipation and intelligence. This is always noticeable externally. When meeting someone new, express yourself as you want without embarrassment, the one you like will choose and accept you, even in a competitive environment.
Do not doubt. And then such irreplaceable relationships arise, like the words from the song "Without frost and without wind the heart dried up" - exactly about what was said above. The main thing is to be confident and act.
And don't engage in half measures or palliatives when trying to get acquainted: this is when "one step forward and two steps back." Even if in a specific case the acquaintance did not take place - it is not a problem and not a reason to fall before the shot.
According to one of the modern hosts of a historical television program, Oleg Shishkin, Anna Karenina, having thrown herself under a train, still managed to survive, although she lost her right leg, left arm, and left eye.
Perhaps this is not a threat to you. But you should also keep in mind the possible complications as consequences of the initiative.
Some ladies happen to be very touchy, "love to be offended", perceiving assessments and subjective judgments from the outside. Because they are too serious. And then they reflect and look for an answer to the question - "why am I alone".
The question has prerequisites for the opposite sex, but not only so and not necessarily focused on relationships with a man. Much bigger problems in the female community, when there are no girlfriends, or they do not stay, change often. This comes from terrible insecurity, fear for oneself, that they will judge, discuss
A confident and free-thinking woman is not at all threatened by this - she does not notice it, and therefore does not react. Including to outside opinions about personal choice, behavior style, wardrobe or men.
Should you argue with your partner at all at the first stage of dating? This is individual for each couple. For some, it is necessary, and you cannot do otherwise. But the importance of critical thinking is to look at the situation from both sides - from yours (this is natural) and from your partner's side.
In other words, does he need personal boundaries or you and your personal boundaries? This is the cornerstone of any personal relationship. It is clear that they are needed. But how much? How irreplaceable and desirable (with your personal boundaries and other circumstances to boot) do you become.
Perhaps the partner will get angry and insist on their terms, if there are grounds for that. This also happens: the person does not agree, and that's it. Then you will have to decide what to do with him and your relationship. There may be several different actions.
The solution to a problem is not always as easy as snapping your fingers, but that is no reason to stop trying to solve it.
By calmly informing, stating your demands or wishes, or outlining personal boundaries, you move into a more advantageous position in the relationship and raise your level of self-esteem. There is a "but".
This is how you can experiment when you literally "don't care" about the reactions of the other person. Manifestation is an effective, but at the same time energy-consuming technique, requiring mental and emotional effort.
Use it when it makes sense, that is, the relationship is already strengthened, it is really worth investing in and developing. If a casual acquaintance, allegorically speaking, stepped on your foot, you don’t need to hit him, or run after him, manifest and demand your rights.
Yes, it is advisable to do everything in a timely manner and choose appropriate places. The well-known maxim that when going fishing you need to take with you the bait that the fish needs is truer than ever.
If you put a part of a shoe lace on the hook instead of a worm, you are unlikely to return home with a big catch. The same is true when meeting a member of the opposite sex. It is also advisable to remember two important points - to achieve a quality result.
First of all, the simpler the better. Eliminate your narcissism as much as possible, even if you don’t feel it. In general, try not to think about yourself, as if you don’t exist. You went out to “play” and look at everything from the outside.
Therefore, during an acquaintance or even an approach to a potential partner, think about abstract topics, situations, it is best to remember at such moments funny stories from your own or someone else's life, which you yourself witnessed.
Personal "involvement" in such stories, emotional connection, and therefore "unfailing" memory are very important, and not just knowledge of jokes from magazines and the Internet. Don't get hung up on "what will she answer", "what will I say", "what if she refuses", "what if she laughs" and so on.
For example, you can remember how you climbed a tree leaning over a pond to prove your masculine courage and worth to your beloved who was present, and fell fully clothed into the water, and there was silt there, and you were almost sucked in by the shore, and how you then dried your money, smartphone and passport in the sun.
Or, for example, how you went into a girl's toilet in a piquant situation and touched a plumbing pipe, causing an accident that you then had to fix yourself. Every experienced person has plenty of such situations in their memory.
If your own experience is not enough, remember episodes of comedy feature films, for example, "The Pink Panther" - the epic of the French police inspector Jacques Clouseau, masterfully played by the famous actor with a world name Steve Martin.
There could be many options.
This "distraction" makes the situation natural, and in general - promising. To get acquainted, even one word "hello" is enough, with the subsequent development of a dialogue on topics interesting to both. It is also important to show "attitude", goodwill (a smile also contributes to this), and, most importantly, sincerity.
It is very important for each of those who have recently met to understand the motives of the other - the candidate for a partner, his predictability, adequacy, responsibility, resources. This is especially important for girls.
And men will enjoy and be attracted not only by external beauty, but also by a woman's reactions, her hobbies and stories about life. Modern men know how to read "between the lines". With a sense of humor, you can unobtrusively tell your partner about all this and reveal yourself from a positive side.
Moreover, we are not talking about the technique of “chatting up” a partner or about-aboutism by analogy with Small talk (small talk – short, frivolous conversations-talks “about nothing” with strangers, there are other names for similar methods). These methods, typical of pick-up artists, are good, but when used frequently, they are boring even for their initiator, the practitioner; it is much more interesting to invent a new approach with each new acquaintance.
It helps to know how the new partner perceives the transition from one topic to another - "transition by analogy". The listener gets the illusion of a connection between these topics. And the partner himself - or so it seems - likes to listen.
And the more he likes, the more he wants to continue the conversation, communication. This is how the beginning of sympathy, trusting relationships, respect for the interlocutor arises.
You, as the initiator of the conversation and acquaintance, are also imbued with a mutual desire to “continue”, since you have found an attentive and grateful listener, and from psychology it is known that “the one for whom we have done something becomes emotionally closer” and can even become irreplaceable.
The same applies to the conditions of giving and the explanation of the phenomenon of gifts. Consequently, trust arises and strengthens, as does the desire to communicate with a specific person.
When choosing topics for conversation and conducting it, it is important to know the cultural level of the partner. Not in terms of how many universities she graduated from, but in terms of slang. Each age group, and especially professionally oriented, can, if desired, identify its own language of communication, the most typical phrases, figures of speech, semantic concepts, definitions.
For example, journalists typically speak differently than accountants, and teachers speak differently from builders' jargon. If your partner is in a certain age group, younger than you, for example, it is advisable to learn the "language" of communication, the cultural accents of that group, when preparing for a date.
When going fishing, they do not move into the field. Although there was a case in practice when in a snowy winter, a "merry" company set out for winter fishing, reached an open space where there should be a lake and there, having distributed the areas, they drilled the surface under their feet with a special tool - an auger - for holes.
Thought it was ice, but it was land, a field. Thus, the greatest chances to meet are where expectations are justified, where people come who want the same thing as you. These can be not only the notorious clubs, cafes and dance evenings, but also clubs of interest, libraries, sports events.
There are many options. And the most successful acquaintances happen in a circle of acquaintances, on appropriate occasions - birthdays and others, where "acquaintances of acquaintances" come and, communicating, form new acquaintances.
Not all, but some of our contemporaries are so original that they prefer to meet in unusual places. They delete popular dating apps from their smartphones and go, for example, to cemeteries - specifically for meeting.
People talk and write about attempts to meet in unusual places, that is, the phenomenon is conditionally widespread. It has been noted that modern youth seeks and observes contradictions, they watch, evaluate and have fun.
At the first stage of dating, it is not customary to take a partner seriously - this is also a defensive reaction of the psyche, and it was noticed by specialists not yesterday, but 30-40 years ago.
But this is the most active period for all kinds of jokes and pranks, allowing people to open up to each other with their intellectual, moral, business and physical qualities, as well as emotional reactions.
Because almost everyone loves laughter and humor, you can continue to develop your relationship on this basis at the next stage.
In addition to cemeteries, unusual gatherings of people are becoming popular among potential meeting places - queues, clinics, reading rooms, parent-teacher meetings and even bookstores. Any place where there are people is suitable.
Even meeting someone on public transport is no longer considered bad form, as it was some time ago. But “online dating” has somewhat lost its former popularity in recent years, despite the fact that girls continue to communicate and “sit out” there; well, at least because remote communication with a stranger is convenient and relatively safe.
Another matter is the negative tendency that has formed towards the same remote mutual understanding on the part of typical men. Of the Internet tools, the “open channel” remains the search for a partner in online games and related services.
Having found the appropriate conditions and convenient time - in a potential community interested in dating, do unusual things. Modesty suits one, shocking and bright gestures, gesticulation, attracting the attention of others in different ways suits another.
But the company around you can be different. Some people will like your experience, your style of behavior – whatever it may be, from modesty to conditional impudence – and some will not. This is normal. But to understand the situation, sometimes you need a provocation in a positive sense.
Figuratively speaking, if you and the society around you position yourself "with humor", then when telling a story or a situation with plumbing communications, you are not a plumber at all, and never have been one. But the point is not so much what (and about what) to talk about, but, most importantly, how and who reacts.
And here you need to watch carefully (simultaneously with the story). It is not difficult to identify interested listeners - by attentive and sometimes intent glances, by the tilt of the head, by the almost half-open mouth... and "hanging" ears.
And this is already a reason to continue the discussion or development of the topic with a specific person in private. It is clear that if the community's reaction to the initiative is cool, it is better to stop the experiment or change the topic. But... it often happens the other way around - someone is interested.
By the way, the same reactions, only in a different form, are manifested in comments to articles, events, and actions of certain individuals. This is normal, and shows that we are all partly “different,” and everyone finds something interesting to them in almost any event.
But for this (reaction) event to occur, someone must create it, be brighter, more unpredictable, more interesting than the passive-infantile traveler who dropped in “for a light”, yawning and dreaming of getting some sleep.
Another promising way to get acquainted, almost alternative to the proposed one, is a demonstrative and sincere interest.
By being interested in other people, asking relevant and tactful questions, such an initiator stands out sharply among others, because there is never too much human and sincere attention; it is immediately felt. Moreover, each person is interesting, has a rich inner world, you just need to be able to see it.
When you meet, it is important to maintain the initiative and strengthen the shoots of new connections. Surround your partner with care in every possible way - after all, this period, called not quite accurately, but typically "candy-bouquet", is unique in its own way.
An important thing that can be done at this stage, while maintaining and developing interest in each other, is to increase the time of communication - in person and in absentia (when there is no opportunity for in-person communication).
Some will say that if there is mutual sympathy at the initial stage of acquaintance, this happens by itself, but... in reality, this is not always the case.
And if you talk about everything every day, discuss - especially "who thought what when they first approached", pay attention to those around you and notice their conditional funny flaws - joke around, and secretly, making a fetish out of a secret and only your secret (it unites even more), then you can "cement" the foundation of your new partner cell with the prospect of a close relationship.
The perspective is also that at the initial stages of a couple’s formation, common interests, discussions, plans, attention to each other in various forms appropriate to the situation, and, in general, actions that are personally oriented toward the partner, are extremely important.
A strengthening factor of the union can even be the ability to "be friends against others", with the opposition of "us" and "they" - this also helps, that is, any unifying principle is important. And continuation. Every evening and at a convenient opportunity, discuss affairs, desires, dreams.
Daily frank conversations of 15-30 minutes can unite and maintain an emotional connection in a couple.
Touch each other and love. While the first family crisis, conventionally defined after 2-3 years of close relationships, is far away, now it is important to keep the focus on the positive qualities of the partner. And everything will be.
