How to live if your partner is “possessive” and “jealous”

Today, the concepts of “owner” and “jealous” are not only not surprising (typical), but are also interconnected.

In personal relationships, the combination of these heterogeneous concepts creates a “nuclear mixture” that, when ignited, inflicts wounds on both partners.

However, much depends on the partners themselves – their characters, experience, emotional type (stability) and therefore differently expressive and temperamental. This follows from the definitions of the terms themselves.

In short: an owner is someone who possesses and appropriates, a jealous person is someone who fights for his own. Further we will talk about owners and jealous people regardless of gender – they can be both women and men.

We see that the two concepts are still different in properties: the one inclined to consumption and possession has the characteristic features of a person of action. The jealous person is rather the opposite, a form of passive influence, focused on the effect.

And it can be different in accordance with many factors and specific personality traits of the jealous person. Let us note the main thing once again: in the prevailing combination of such qualities in one person a "nuclear mixture" is formed, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .

Let us also say that if a person adheres to behavior that is adequate to the situation, then he does not pose a danger to himself or society, and therefore is conditionally normal.

Although according to the opinion attributed to the Dutch artist Vincent Willem van Gogh, "Normality is a paved road: it is comfortable to walk on, but flowers do not grow on it."

Attributed – because we are not convinced that in the middle of the 19th century there was already asphalt. That is, you can live stably, but uninterestingly, “blandly”. If this were not so, people would never divorce the rich… Therefore, we hope that the reader can understand the idea hidden even between the lines.

History and modern times

Modern manifestations of ownership do not represent anything particularly new, except perhaps the forms inherent to our time, a reflection of technical progress in action.

This is a transformation and derivative of the bourgeois approach in past centuries. However, it is quite understandable even in the material equivalent: whoever has one million wants it to become two. And he acts in this direction as much as he can.

Moreover, a person’s mental state significantly influences the physical one.

Distinguishing features

They are visible in the fact that a person (often he does not even hide it, and flaunts it) tries to subordinate a partner in all matters under his control, to which he himself can reach. He wants to know almost everything about the life of another in order to control. Control for the owner is income.

As a rule, it is material. The success of the controlled partner is - in economic terms - "added value".

That is why “owners” in partnerships are typically distinguished by the fact that they try not only to control, but also to advance their partner up the career ladder, work on this, form and impose (in accordance with their character) strategies in work communication with superiors and colleagues.

Or at least they do not hinder their partner from moving forward, like normal beneficiaries. They want to know and control even their partner's circle of acquaintances.

You will say that almost every married woman acts this way in relation to her husband. Not quite. A woman can typically be called the owner of a man. But no more than the opposite, and no more than we call a person a person. Again, characteristic features are important in the situation.

Absolute control

Control can be absolute. For example, if a partner dines in a cafeteria, he must tell about every step (what he ate, how much, how much he spent), if he is absent from work for a long time, for the "owner" such a state of affairs is emotionally unbearable. Suspicions and jealousy begin.

Over time, the "owner" relationship typically does not change, although situations may worsen in particular. The demands of the controller may reach their peak. There is no need to talk about trust.

Which, of course, destroys the relationship. The only possible situation of losing control is when the partner does not transfer all of his assets to the owner and tries to maintain "personal boundaries", although over time (under the influence of the owner) they are erased.

The "owner" also shows himself by checking his partner's pockets, delving into correspondence, tracking his smartphone. Or tries to do this when he knows that no one will notice.

The dangers of the situation for the owner and the slave

The owner, as a rule, has studied the partner's "pain points" well and knows the vulnerable spots. In the conditions of the created "despotism", when both the finances and the family plans are in the hands of the owner, the owner himself is not particularly threatened (unless he makes an irreparable mistake in the calculations). Except for two significant points.

On the one hand, a person with a weak, driven character will not want to leave the "owner": everything is well-established, predictable. But the one who usually rebels is the one with an inflexible character or, let's say, who himself claims to be a manager with the makings of an owner. This type is a difficult case.

He cannot control, but he is strong enough not to be controlled. In the end, everyone suffers. Therefore, if you feel weak, it is better not to rebel against the "owner"; then you can still count on long-term relationships and even jointly acquired (under the leadership of the owner) assets.

But two bright "owners" in the family do not get along. Or they live in a hypertrophied marriage in the manner of G. Gorin's script "that same Munchausen": "and my wife and I went on a honeymoon, I went to Turkey, she went to Switzerland, and lived there for three years in love and harmony."

Therefore, a conditionally weak nature can leave the "owner" only for another owner; in accordance with the maxim, a slave remains a slave. And he really does not like strong-willed people, because "God does not give horns to a butting cow."

As for the "owner" himself, it's not all that simple. On the one hand, the hierarchy of relationships built in accordance with the leading character traits ensures complete control over the situation and predictability of the partner.

On the other hand, the owner is bored. Sooner or later this feeling comes. Experienced people are aware that even stability and brilliance can be depressing. Jewelers accustomed to harmony dream of “wrong” planes, uncut diamonds and “wild” finds from time to time.

The owner in such a situation sooner or later begins to get bored, look for new solutions and... adventures. How often this will happen depends on various factors - situations, conditions, characters.

Reasons for the desire for ownership

The "owner" is not afraid of losing his "property" if an unconditional dependence has been created. In the worst case, he will have enough intelligence (as he thinks) and experience to return the situation to a controlled channel.

For the owner, it is precisely control over another that is important. This character trait is comparable to jealousy (that is why we have conditionally combined the concepts). And the cause-and-effect relationship is one's own insecurity.

As a rule, it is formed in childhood and then complicated by a gestalt(s) not worked out with a specialist. In essence, the "owner" is an extremely weak person who wants to seem strong and demonstrates confidence.

But also extremely vulnerable emotionally - for the same reason. The owner is rarely completely satisfied with himself, otherwise he would not strive to possess another.

Hence, possessiveness and authoritarianism – as elements and styles of behavior – are close and have one basis – in the subject’s insecurity. By owning or possessing (anything) such a person grows in his own eyes and is happy to demonstrate this to society at the first opportunity.

Building relationships

It is quite possible to build a relationship with a partner-owner. But the mandatory condition is the compatibility of the partners. If one likes to lead, the other should be able to obey, not argue.

If one has leadership qualities of character, provided by intelligence and practical skills, the other must demonstrate loyalty and diligence. Moreover, the owner will try to take all the "reins of governance" of the cell (couple) upon himself - the general budget of the family, but in the hands of the "owner".

Someone will say that love, a high and strong feeling, is important in compatibility. Of course.

However, in a situation with an “owner”, the partner must have it very strong, right up to the ability to “agree on everything”, accept any “mistakes”, criticism, because as soon as a “rebellion” occurs (and they happen to everyone at first), the “owner” will not fail to punish the rebel and in an exemplary manner, so that it will not happen again.

Because the basis of the owner's management is in the authoritarian style of management, and this foundation is unshakable. In other words: "if you don't like it, you don't have to". When they say that one loves, and the other allows himself to be loved - this is the topic.

Of course, there are no pure "nuclear owners" and "complete henpecked husbands" (regardless of gender). But we are talking about prevailing character traits, nothing more.

Examples of "owners" and "jealous people" can be found in the area innumerable. In the sphere of culture and art, the senior economist "Semyon Semenovich Gorbunkov" (the feature film "The Diamond Arm") and the pharmacist Koloshka ("The Adventures of the Good Soldier Schweik During the World War", by J. Hasek) come to mind as voluntary victims of "owners". In fact, the wife Nadezhda Gorbunkova and Mrs. Koloshkova act as owners.

Out of control

I do not recommend doing this. If from the very beginning the "owner" feels your dependence, and therefore power over you, then he is interested in strengthening it through complete submission, and not vice versa.

One of the effective ways to escape the control of a possessive nature is to demonstrate unpredictability and violation of the rules.

It is necessary to commit actions that are incompatible with the owner’s subjective idea of a couple (family) relationship, or demonstratively and importantly – systematically devalue him in the eyes of others.

The owner himself will not want to live with such an uncontrollable partner. That is, the weak points of the possessive nature are self-doubt and the danger of exposure, loss of authority among the controlled audience.

This is why mothers with strong possessive instincts are the most undesirable role models for children to have as educators – they suppress free will.

Conclusions

Considering that we have only covered the problem and it is impossible to improve someone’s life or help psychologically in the format of simple recommendations, here is some advice: you don’t need to guess for others, assuming certain qualities, virtues or pranks.

We cannot know for sure why people do certain things. Don't dwell on the question of whether the person in front of you is the owner or not. If you love, love and appreciate the person.

To indulge one's vanity, to rejoice in the successful diagnosis of another (isn't it laziness?).

There is no point in fantasizing, hanging imperfect and unfounded labels, building hypotheses - it is counterproductive, it is better to direct your strength, energy and attention to your life.

Because its meaning is in life itself - every second and every hour. It is much more important to decide and know for yourself - why are you in a relationship, what do you want from it, to understand - do you need this information at all

Previously, we talked about relieving stress before exams .

• Related news:
• psychology
• jealous
• Love
• relationship
• board
• 15 May 2024

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